Author: Chip Hilton

BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings. Listed on eBay’s wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its

BUMFUCH, La. – Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there’s anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git

MALIBU – Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1. Unfortunately, the star of Chaotic may have hired an illegal alien. According to documents obtained by THEM

LOS ANGELES – After attending several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), Britney Spears has decided to join the group, a former assistant revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Spears has met with the group three or four times “in

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears is pregnant again, and the troubled singer is terrified she might lose custody of her vagina as a result. A source close to Ms. Spears, who turns twenty-six today, told THEM Weekly, “Britney’s freaking out because this pregnancy is the last thing her vagina needs.” After

HOLLYWOOD – Now that High School Musical 3 is scheduled to begin filming next Valentine’s Day, Vanessa Hudgens, 18, has decided to put paid once and for all to the continuous rumors about the dozens of sex videos she is alleged to have made since her sixteenth birthday. The rumors began with

MALIBU – Britney Spears is writing a self-help book in order to prevent “childrens everywhere” from making the same mistakes she’s made since her ill-advised, fifty-five-hour Las Vegas “marriage” nearly four years ago. “I wisht somebody had of told me when I was a kid not to drive around without

OUTBACK, Utah – Recently clean actress Lindsay Lohan has narrowed her college choices to Harvard and Rochville universities, a spokesperson for the I Know Who Killed Me star said yesterday. “Despite what nearly everybody thinks, Lindsay is an incredibly bright girl when she’s sober; and now that she is sober, she wants to have

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ obsession with Princess Diana has Ms. Spears’ few remaining friends concerned. They fear the frazzled pop star may be planning to harm herself in some dramatic way in order to mimic the princess’ death. “We didn’t think nothing much about it when Britney ditched her Carol

LOS ANGELES – A copy of the written driving test Britney Spears passed in order to obtain a temporary license has been leaked to THEM Weekly magazine. The magazine was unable to learn Ms. Spears’ actual score on the test, but a representative for the troubled singer said she had passed the

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston’s new body is telling friends that it’s confident Ms. Aniston can compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for serious movie roles and magazine covers. “There’s more to Jennifer Aniston than a nice rack and a tight, little ass,” said Ms. Aniston’s new body, dressed

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of “every mother’s right” to go naked around her children. The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears’ sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being—or an impediment to their continued growth and social development. Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears,