philmaggitti – Page 10 – postcards from the pug bus

Sticking It to The Military-Athletic Complex: Pug Bus Blog #3

philmaggitti 475 Views 2 min read

The military-athletic complex is a pain in my NFL-watching ass. I detest the ginormous flag rollouts that precede most games, the stupid camouflage gear that coaches wear on the sidelines, the butt-boy announcers kissing camouflage ass and waxing all moist over “our brave fighting men and women who keep us safe,” the staged reunions between Read More

News

Yes, Virginia, There Was a Poop Swastika

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

COLUMBIA, Mo.—Poop Swastika Truthers took one in the shorts recently with the release of a University of Missouri police department report confirming that someone did indeed grab a handful of shit and draw a swastika on a co-ed bathroom wall in a university dorm. The swastika, whose existence had been questioned by various right-wing media Read More

Sporting Life

NFL to Install 200 Gender-Appropriate Bathrooms for Super Bowl LI

philmaggitti 409 Views 3 min read

HOUSTON–The National Football League promises that Super Bowl LI, scheduled to be played in Houston on February 5, 2017, will be “the most all-inclusive, welcoming, and gender-affirmative Super Bowl in history.” The foundation of all that welcoming and affirmation will be two hundred “special bowls,” the centerpieces of new gender-appropriate rest rooms to be installed Read More

Ass Hats

Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 418 Views 4 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—Just when you think progressives couldn’t possibly do anything more batshit than some of the batshit things they’ve done already, along comes some batshit progressive with her head up her ass crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic responsibility. That headless horseperson would be Lena Van Haren, principal Read More

Technology

Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA

philmaggitti 430 Views 4 min read

CARLISLE, Pa.—The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving “countless troubling reports” of Microsoft’s having “gone rogue” in promoting and distributing Windows 10. “Microsoft’s disregard for the integrity of Read More

Music

Blackwater, RIAA Join Forces to Combat Music Piracy

philmaggitti 435 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Blackwater USA, the rogue security company accused of sport killing innocent civilians in Iraq, has agreed to provide “tactical enforcement capabilities” for the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). “We are proud to be working with the RIAA,” said Blackwater founder, Erik Prince, on 60 Minutes Sunday night. “Every time a scumbag college kid Read More

Saints Alive

Yesterday’s Saint, Pope Callistus I, The Tell-All Biography

philmaggitti 453 Views 4 min read

Suppose that Mitt Romney, after losing the 2012 Presidential Election to Barack Obama, somehow manipulated his way into writing not only the official biography of Mr. Obama but also the only one available. We should not be surprised if it contained facts such as “Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim; he was born in Kenya Read More

Culture

Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

philmaggitti 399 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday October 17 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme, who is alleged to have created the turducken, “a hideous monstrosity” comprising a deboned chicken shoved inside a deboned duck, which is, in Read More

Religion

What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know I

philmaggitti 415 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount Read More

Blog

Stay the Fuck Home, Mick Jagger: The Pug Bus Blog #2

philmaggitti 459 Views 4 min read

Dear Mick,I see where you dragged your withered buttocks on stage the other day to croak your way through “Satisfaction” with that towering mediocrity Taylor Swift. Well, she towered over you that’s for sure, in more ways than one. What in the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you, you Read More

Religion

When Francis Met Kim

philmaggitti 479 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—His Supreme Excellency Pope Francis—in addition to meeting with the Harlem Globe Trotters, Vice-President “Meadowlark” Biden (who presented him with a photo of Mr. Biden’s late son, Beau), illegal immigrants, disabled illegal immigrants, and the AARP’s Seniors’ Transgender Alliance—also conspired to meet secretly with Kim Davis at the Vatican’s underground bunker in Washington, D.C. Read More

Politics You Can't PhotoShop This

All-White Diversity Philly Magazine Cover: You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 412 Views 1 min read

PHILADELPHIA—What do you get when a magazine runs a cover story about diversity in Philadelphia’s public schools and the photo of cherubic elementary school kids on the cover includes nary a brown, black, beige, tan, yellow, red, brindled, or burnt umber face—just seven cheerful white kids sitting on a low-slung brick wall, their iPhones and Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick Gets All Up in Thug Kitchen’s Ass

philmaggitti 458 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Today, boys and girls, we are going to depart from our usual custom of calling out the shitwads who ignore conventional norms of usage. No brickbats for the boneheads who confuse adoptive and adopted; no crucifying the clodhoppers who don’t know that irregardless is an irregular construction; not a single drop of disdain for the dickheads who think alot is Read More

You Can't PhotoShop This

Pope Gets His Ass Grabbed: You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 393 Views 1 min read

What sack! What glorious, unalloyed sack! Pope don’t support gay marriage? Pope thinks guy-on-guy reach-arounds are a sin? Gay dude gets cheeky with Da Pontiff’s right cheek. Considering the pope’s eighteenth-century views on women, it’s a wonder that the only chick allowed near His High and Mightiness in this photo didn’t yank the Papal Pee-pee Read More

Music

Roger Daltrey’s Hair Forces Cancellation of Who Tour

philmaggitti 456 Views 2 min read

LONDON—Complications surrounding singer Roger Daltrey’s hair have forced The Who to postpone a North American tour that had been scheduled to begin on September 24 in Portland, Oregon. According to a press release issued by the band’s Who’s Left productions, Mr. Daltrey’s hair, 71, contracted follicular meningitis and was ordered by a doctor to rest. Read More