philmaggitti – Page 10 – postcards from the pug bus

Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day

philmaggitti 386 Views 1 min read

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day. “It’s our version of draining the swamp,” said Mr. Moore. “We call it swamping the drains.”

Politics

Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars

philmaggitti 379 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—D’Aryll Scott-Jones, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks to National Public Radio’s Terri Gross. “White avatars allow bigoted crackers to spew their venom

Innerviews Politics

Barack Obama’s “Other” Half Is a White Nationalist

philmaggitti 446 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein

Politics

Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes

philmaggitti 399 Views 2 min read

Dear Friedrich,I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with a raised-arm salute. I wanted to return her greeting, yet I couldn’t tell whether she had given me a Roman or a Nazi salute, and

U.S. News

Keith Richards Picks Donald Trump in Electoral College Vote

philmaggitti 412 Views 5 min read

NEW YORK—Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when “those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow.” Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years, is famous for a life punctuated by one

Religion

God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming

philmaggitti 402 Views 2 min read

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his

Sporting Life

BLM Threatens to Disrupt Giants-Lions Game This Sunday

philmaggitti 501 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK—Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday. It’s difficult to imagine Eli Manning “disrespecting” anyone, apart from the New England

News

Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives

philmaggitti 455 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl

News

WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year

philmaggitti 407 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama. “If there truly is a forgotten man in America today, the white half of

Culture

Neo-Nazi Richard B. Spencer to Grace GQ Cover

philmaggitti 393 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—Richard B. Spencer, who has been called the Golden Boy of the Alt-Right, will adorn the cover of GQ’s February 2017 (Valentine Day) issue. The handsome, natty, and oh-so-controversial Mr. Spencer, who seeks to spread the gospel of white nationalism, is already spreading the gospel that “Neo-Nazis” are a far

Religion

The Nativity Story Is a Pious, Stinking, Goddamn Fraud

philmaggitti 444 Views 8 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Many Christians, especially those who think it their constitutional right to set up a dumb-ass fucking crèche on the courthouse lawn once a year, believe that the four canonical gospels provide consistent versions of the story of Jesus’ birth. Matter of fact, they do not. To begin, Jesus’

You Can't PhotoShop This

Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil: You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 375 Views 0 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—What’s next? Beef jerky? Cabbage? Toothpaste? Kitty litter? Toilet paper? Condoms? Quiche? Marmite? Sushi? Goulash? Potato chips? Driveway sealer? Edamame? Marijuana? Edible underwear? Fish sticks? Hamburger Helper? Glasses cleaner? Umbles? FYI: According to the Chicagoist, “1996 brings the first reference we can find to pumpkin spice coffee, the beginning

Sporting Life

Duke University Lacrosse Team Reinstated After Counseling

philmaggitti 418 Views 3 min read

DURHAM, N.C. – Duke University’s men’s lacrosse team has been reinstated after team members found to be deficient in language arts successfully completed mandatory counseling, said university president, Richard Brodhead, yesterday. Mr. Brodhead ordered the counseling two months ago after an e-mail written by sophomore team member Ryan McFadyen, 19,

Sporting Life

NBA To Offer Autistic-Only Bathrooms for 2017 All-Star Game

philmaggitti 425 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association (NBA), bowing to pressure from the radical autism-rights group Autism Speaks (AS), has promised to install “a prorated number” of autism-friendly restrooms at next year’s all star game, “no matter where it’s ultimately played.” The league is already under pressure from LGBTQWERTY groups, who want

Sporting Life

Coldplay Criticized for Lily White Super Bowl Message

philmaggitti 413 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—British musical act Coldplay may have graciously yielded the stage at the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show to Bruno Mars and Beyonce Knowles, but Coldplay’s passive-aggressive civility did not fool all the people even some of the time. “Sure, they let Bey have a few moments on ‘their’ stage,”