philmaggitti – Page 11 – postcards from the pug bus

Road Rage Trails in Consumer Reports Survey

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NEW YORK—When Consumer Reports conducted research for its 2015 road rage survey, published on December 31 last year, the magazine included for the first time questions about other forms of rage that sully our lives. “Road rage gets the headlines because it’s more sexy than other kinds of rage,” said Edward Bennett, CR’s

You Can't PhotoShop This

What Would Nixon Do? You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 375 Views 1 min read

We were watching the Villanova-Temple game last night, half paying attention to an interview with a former Temple player, half poking around on our tablets, half sucking on a phatty, when what to our wandering eyes should appear but the accompanying image. “Holy fucking shit,” we sputtered, “that’s funny.” Then

Saints Alive

Fabian, Patron Saint of Dove Fanciers

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WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Fabian d’Fabiano, whose name literally means “Fabian, Son of the Son of Fabian,“ was a poor excuse for an olive farmer, who lived outside Rome. To supplement his pitiful income he raised doves for racing and companionship and, when all else failed, food. In 236 CE—shortly after the

Innerviews

Talking Shit with Clementine the Taco Bell Piggy Bank

philmaggitti 437 Views 4 min read

WEST GOSHEN, PA.—Taco Bell’s current ad touting its breakfast crunch wrap sliders features an elderly piggy bank named Clementine and a young fellow named Mark, with whom the piggy bank has shared a room for roughly a dozen years. We learn during the ad that Clementine has seen Mark, who

Culture

Consumer Reports Road Rage Survey for 2015

philmaggitti 413 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—According to Consumer Reports 2015 Road Rage Survey, the most likely road rage perpetrator this year was a male between thirty-five and fifty driving a blue, late-model BMW on a Tuesday afternoon at roughly 5:45. This is the second year in row that BMW is the road rage vehicular weapon of

Technology

Hello Barbie Hears All and Tells All

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WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Something called the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) wants you to know that Hello Barbie™ is the most sordid and contemptible toy ever sold this year. According to CCFC founder, Susan Linn, Hello Barbie™ is “creepy and creates a host of dangers for children and families.” Wondering

Blog

Sticking It to The Military-Athletic Complex: Pug Bus Blog #3

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The military-athletic complex is a pain in my NFL-watching ass. I detest the ginormous flag rollouts that precede most games, the stupid camouflage gear that coaches wear on the sidelines, the butt-boy announcers kissing camouflage ass and waxing all moist over “our brave fighting men and women who keep us

News

Yes, Virginia, There Was a Poop Swastika

philmaggitti 397 Views 2 min read

COLUMBIA, Mo.—Poop Swastika Truthers took one in the shorts recently with the release of a University of Missouri police department report confirming that someone did indeed grab a handful of shit and draw a swastika on a co-ed bathroom wall in a university dorm. The swastika, whose existence had been

Sporting Life

NFL to Install 200 Gender-Appropriate Bathrooms for Super Bowl LI

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HOUSTON–The National Football League promises that Super Bowl LI, scheduled to be played in Houston on February 5, 2017, will be “the most all-inclusive, welcoming, and gender-affirmative Super Bowl in history.” The foundation of all that welcoming and affirmation will be two hundred “special bowls,” the centerpieces of new gender-appropriate

Ass Hats

Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 398 Views 4 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—Just when you think progressives couldn’t possibly do anything more batshit than some of the batshit things they’ve done already, along comes some batshit progressive with her head up her ass crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic responsibility. That headless horseperson would

Technology

Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA

philmaggitti 395 Views 4 min read

CARLISLE, Pa.—The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving “countless troubling reports” of Microsoft’s having “gone rogue” in promoting and distributing Windows 10. “Microsoft’s

Music

Blackwater, RIAA Join Forces to Combat Music Piracy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Blackwater USA, the rogue security company accused of sport killing innocent civilians in Iraq, has agreed to provide “tactical enforcement capabilities” for the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). “We are proud to be working with the RIAA,” said Blackwater founder, Erik Prince, on 60 Minutes Sunday night. “Every

Saints Alive

Yesterday’s Saint, Pope Callistus I, The Tell-All Biography

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Suppose that Mitt Romney, after losing the 2012 Presidential Election to Barack Obama, somehow manipulated his way into writing not only the official biography of Mr. Obama but also the only one available. We should not be surprised if it contained facts such as “Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim;

Culture

Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

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WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday October 17 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme, who is alleged to have created the turducken, “a hideous monstrosity” comprising a deboned chicken shoved inside a

Religion

What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know I

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain