philmaggitti – Page 12 – postcards from the pug bus

God Declares “Atheism Is Dead”

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NEW YORK–In an exclusive interview with The New York Times Book Review, God declared confidently that atheism is “deader than the Dead Sea Scrolls” and atheists have only themselves to blame. Although he was a few minutes late for the meeting—”I thought I was supposed to be at The New York Review of Books“—God had his A game with Read More

Religion

Pope Francis Reveals Plans to Celebrate Halloween This Year

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VATICAN CITY–In yet another move that Catholics are applauding the world over, Pope Francis I announced yesterday that he plans to go trick or treating this Halloween. The pope’s decision is being called a historic one, as he will be the first pope in the Modern Papal Era (post 1231 CE) to participate actively in Read More

Politics

Obama Orders Name Change for Tomahawk Missiles

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WASHINGTON–Although he has not been able to persuade Congress to give him permission to bomb Syria, President Obama demonstrated yesterday that a president, no matter how beleaguered, still has some juice up his sleeve. In a brief ceremony held in the Rose Garden, the president issued an executive order changing the name of the Tomahawk Read More

Technology

Rosetta Stone Releases Pig Latin App for iPhone 5s

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ARLINGTON, Vir.–The buzz around Apple’s new iPhone 5s just got louder. Rosetta Stone®, the world’s leading, computer-based, language-instruction company, announced the release of its new Pig Latin App in time for the iPhone launch on Friday. The app, which provides full access to Rosetta Stone®’s ten-volume Pig Latin instructional set, has been redesigned for business Read More

Politics

Obama Allows Gas Stations and Bars to Begin Offering Flu Shots

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WASHINGTON–In a move that critics say is calculated to detract from the cluster fuck that passes for his Syria policy, President Obama signed an executive order yesterday authorizing gas stations and bars to begin offering flu shots. The order is an addendum to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the cluster fuck known as Read More

News

Pastor Says Obama’s Speech on Syria Will Launch Antichrist Campaign

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WEST CHESTER, Pa.–A local pastor warns that when President Obama addresses the nation Tuesday night, he will be selling not only a war on Syria but also his vision of an America ruled by sharia law, which decrees, among other things, that “jihad is the duty of every Muslim and Muslim head of state (caliph)” Read More

Saints Alive

St. Polycarp, Patron Saint of Earwig Sufferers

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WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Catholics, as well as Anglicans and Lutherans, suffering from an earwig, a scrap of a song that gets stuck in a person’s head and plays on auto loop for days on end, can find relief by praying to St. Polycarp of Symrna, the patron saint of earwig sufferers. Polycarp, who died in 167 Read More

Technology

Edward Snowden Reveals NSA Movie Piracy Techniques, Part 2

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WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Previously on Postcards from the Pug Bus, Edward Snowden revealed that National Security Agency (NSA) employees who were supposed to be monitoring movie piracy were actually pirating movies themselves, on and off the job. As Mr. Snowden observed, private citizens do not generally have access to the NSA’s kind of mind-fuck computer power; Read More

Technology

Edward Snowden Reveals NSA Movie Piracy Techniques, Part 2

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News

Duquesne Students Creeped Out by Geraldo Rivera Selfie

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PITTSBURGH, Pa.–Duquesne University students circulated a Facebook petition early last week, urging school administrators not to allow Geraldo Rivera to participate in an upcoming panel discussion marking the 50th anniversary of JFK’s assassination. By week’s end the petition had been signed by more than three thousand students, 30 percent of the total graduate and undergraduate Read More

Politics

Obama Invites Members of Congress to Screening of Syria Missile Strikes

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WASHINGTON–Demonstrating a seldom-seen willingness to engage with members of Congress on a personal level, President Barack Obama invited lawmakers who vote “yea” on his proposed bombing of Syria to attend a bipartisan White House screening of that event. According to the White House, all 535 members of Congress have received a party-style invitation via email, Read More

Innerviews

Exclusive Interview with a Handicapped Parking Sticker Cheat

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WILMINGTON, De.–We’ll call him Ralph. He is one of a growing breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally in a space reserved for someone less fortunate than he is. You can even find him in Delaware. On a late summer day Ralph parked his Read More

Technology

NSA Admits to Snooping on Your Booty Calls

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WASHINGTON–National Security Agency (NSA) personnel have, on numerous occasions, used their agency’s ginormous eavesdropping power to spy on booty calls and other communications of a sexual nature, reported FOX News “O’Reilley Factor” last night. The NSA, as usual, was quick to respond, issuing the following denial before the Fox News broadcast had concluded. “This sort Read More

Sporting Life

Allen Iverson Set to Return to the NBA as Philadelphia 76ers Mascot

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PHILADELPHIA–Allen Iverson, an eleven-time all-star who has not played in the National Basketball Association (NBA) since 2010, is set to announce his return to the league as Hip-Hop, the once and future mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to SlamDunk.com, Mr. Iverson, 38, has yet to come to terms with the fact that his playing Read More

Saints Alive

Pope Francis Appoints St. Christopher the Patron Saint of Texting

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VATICAN CITY–In perhaps his most populist and daring move yet, Pope Francis the First, also known as The People’s Pope, issued a divine apostolic proclamation (DAP) last week appointing St. Christopher to the position of patron saint of texting. Although there are patron saints for every sort of occupation, special cause, infirmity, act of god, Read More