Author: philmaggitti

Saints Alive

There’s a Saint for That, New from The Village Atheist

WEST CHESTER, Pa–The Catholic church is nothing if not fanciful, some might even say fey, as in man-in-a-purple-dress fey. Those ornate Pius of Hollywood jumpers favored by the church’s high priests, the three-story hats that dwarf the chubby little pope beneath them, the gothic organ music, Omen-like choirs, and incense-laden rituals: do these strike anyone else Read More

Sporting Life

Top Ten People Riley Cooper Wants to Fight

PHILADELPHIA–Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper started a conversation on race in America when he declared at a Kenny Chesney concert in June, “I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro.” Mr. Cooper’s threat eventually went viral on the internet, prompting a shit rain of indignation over his outburst. Hoping to convince people Read More

Technology

Norton Internet Security Now Refuses to Let Customers Uninstall

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Norton Internet Security has quietly rolled out its you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave uninstall policy. We learned about this new “safeguard” when we attempted to update our Java software and became the unsuspecting recipient of a free fifteen-day trial version of the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite as well. We do not remember specifically asking to lease Read More

News

George Zimmerman Rescue Effort Criticized

SANFORD, Fla.–George Zimmerman, recently acquitted of sixteen charges brought against him in the shooting death of an unarmed black youth, is now being criticized for fraudulent heroism. Six days ago Mr. Zimmerman, 29, helped to rescue a family of four trapped in a burning, overturned SUV, according to ABC News. Although national reports of the Read More

News

Detroit Bankruptcy Blamed on Shift in Autoeroticism Tastes

DETROIT – The city of Detroit’s recent bankruptcy filing is owed in no small part to shifts in tastes among devotees of autoeroticism in the United States. Autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—enjoyed a sustained spurt of popularity following the September 2006 release of Jackass 2, in which Dev-O gets Read More

Ass Hats

Stevie Wonder Wins Trayvon Martin Ass Hat Award

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Racial harmony in the United States may not be receding in the rear view mirror of life so much as one might imagine in these post-Trayvon-Martin times. Ever since George Zimmerman became a free man last Saturday night, a Saturday Night fever has enveloped members of the Liberal classes—not to mention Read More

News

Post Office Will Issue Trayvon Martin Stamp

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Trayvon Martin, whose only crime was winning a fight, will be a winner in death thanks to the United States Postal Service, which will issue a Trayvon Martin commemorative stamp on September 1. The handsome stamp, bearing the iconic likeness of Mr. Martin dressed in a hoodie, will be introduced at a Read More