philmaggitti – Page 14 – postcards from the pug bus

Exclusive Interview with England’s Royal Fetus

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LONDON – Postcards from the Pug Bus has secured an exclusive interview with the Royal Fetus, which is expected to be delivered by Katherine the Duchess of Cambridge any day now. The circumstances of the interview remain cloaked in secrecy, but we can report that no Australian disk jockeys were involved in obtaining the interview, Read More

Saints Alive

St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al. Are Today’s Patron Saints

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WEST CHESTER, PA. – The First Universal Brotherhood of the Aggressive Atheist is pleased to join our Catholic brethren everywhere in ecumenical fellowship to salute the memory of St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al., 120 god-botherers ranging in age from nine to seventy-two, who died between 1648 and 1930 in China. Most of these happy Read More

Technology

Edward Snowden Is Seriously Becoming a Diva

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MOSCOW – Edward Snowden’s diva-like demands are responsible for his remaining sequestered in the transit zone of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo international airport. Mr. Snowden has been living in a Red Roof Inn executive suite there since arriving in Moscow from Hong Kong on July 23. According to sources close to the situation, Mr. Snowden, 30, could Read More

Ass Hats

Taco Bell Wins Asshat Award

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. — We take no pleasure in bestowing this Asshat of the Moment award on Taco Bell, which recently bent over frontwards to accommodate a bunch of meddlesome old cunts of both sexes at the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI). Seems like those meddlesome old cunts started foaming at the Read More

Sporting Life

Bynum Sitting Pretty for Philadelphia 76ers

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PHILADELPHIA – Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute’s, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.Mr. Bynum, 25, has not been able Read More

Sporting Life

Dwayne Wade Identified as Robbery Suspect

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PHILADELPHIA — A Korean grocery store owner has identified Dwayne Wade as the person who robbed him at gun point in early February. Woo-jin Park, 57, said he recognized Mr. Wade, 30, in a picture of the Miami Heat basketball team that was published on the internet via Twitter last week. In that photo members Read More

Sporting Life

How NBA Players Economized During the Lockout

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MIAMI – NBA players will finally report to training camps tomorrow to prepare for the 2011-2012 season, which begins December 25 this year, nearly two months later than usual. At the start of most NBA seasons, players report to camp eager to pimp the Hummers and Ferraris they bought during their summer vacations. This is Read More

Culture

The Grammar Prick Sticks It to Alanis Morissette

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – When President Obama said that America had been “lazy” for the past few decades, he was talking about our national language scandal. Americans, the president said, are too lazy to search for the home run utterance; they settle instead for a cheap single up the middle; and that, boys and girls, Read More

Sporting Life

Joe Paterno Diagnosed with Cancer, Penn State Students Riot

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STATE COLLEGE, Penna, – When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and overturning at least one medical vehicle. “Why don’t they leave Coach Paterno alone?” demanded Barry Martin, a political science major Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

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NEW YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could Read More

Culture

Six Hitler Substitutions That Won’t Get Your Ass in Trouble

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Countless people have come to grief for comparing someone to Adolph Hitler. The latest, Chef Mario Batali, compared Wall Street executives to Hitler at a Time magazine panel recently. “The ways the bankers have kind of toppled the way money is distributed and taken most of it into their hands is as good Read More

Ass Hats

Asshats of the Moment to Everyone Who Supports Joe Paterno

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The Amalgamated Asshat Association will have to step up production this week in order to make enough asshats for all the Joe Paterno enablers who have earned one. Did somebody lift a rock the size of Beaver stadium out there in Happy Valley or what? How else to explain the sudden, Read More

Sporting Life

Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?

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STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school’s board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed buggering some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in Read More

Sporting Life

Jerry Sandusky’s Tiny Tots Football Camps Now Accepting Applications

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STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Penn State coaching legend Jerry Sandusky will offer a series of Jerry’s Kids Tiny Tots football camps for disadvantaged youth ages six to nine next summer. The sessions will be held at Camp Cowabunga, an Indian-theme campground north of Altoona, Pennsylvania. The Tiny Tots camps will be a departure for Coach Read More

Sporting Life

Sandusky Blitz Penetrates Top-Five Penn State Ice Cream Flavors

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HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. – Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State’s beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites. “I’m shocked to tell you the truth,” said Creamery manager Tim Brown. “We wouldn’t have hardly sold any Sandusky Blitz Read More