philmaggitti – Page 14 – postcards from the pug bus

Duquesne Students Creeped Out by Geraldo Rivera Selfie

philmaggitti 380 Views 4 min read

PITTSBURGH, Pa.–Duquesne University students circulated a Facebook petition early last week, urging school administrators not to allow Geraldo Rivera to participate in an upcoming panel discussion marking the 50th anniversary of JFK’s assassination. By week’s end the petition had been signed by more than three thousand students, 30 percent of

Politics

Obama Invites Members of Congress to Screening of Syria Missile Strikes

philmaggitti 359 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON–Demonstrating a seldom-seen willingness to engage with members of Congress on a personal level, President Barack Obama invited lawmakers who vote “yea” on his proposed bombing of Syria to attend a bipartisan White House screening of that event. According to the White House, all 535 members of Congress have received

Innerviews

Exclusive Interview with a Handicapped Parking Sticker Cheat

philmaggitti 412 Views 3 min read

WILMINGTON, De.–We’ll call him Ralph. He is one of a growing breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally in a space reserved for someone less fortunate than he is. You can even find him in Delaware. On a late

Technology

NSA Admits to Snooping on Your Booty Calls

philmaggitti 403 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON–National Security Agency (NSA) personnel have, on numerous occasions, used their agency’s ginormous eavesdropping power to spy on booty calls and other communications of a sexual nature, reported FOX News “O’Reilley Factor” last night. The NSA, as usual, was quick to respond, issuing the following denial before the Fox News

Sporting Life

Allen Iverson Set to Return to the NBA as Philadelphia 76ers Mascot

philmaggitti 415 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA–Allen Iverson, an eleven-time all-star who has not played in the National Basketball Association (NBA) since 2010, is set to announce his return to the league as Hip-Hop, the once and future mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to SlamDunk.com, Mr. Iverson, 38, has yet to come to terms with

Saints Alive

Pope Francis Appoints St. Christopher the Patron Saint of Texting

philmaggitti 426 Views 3 min read

VATICAN CITY–In perhaps his most populist and daring move yet, Pope Francis the First, also known as The People’s Pope, issued a divine apostolic proclamation (DAP) last week appointing St. Christopher to the position of patron saint of texting. Although there are patron saints for every sort of occupation, special

Culture

Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists When People Say Grace Before a Meal

philmaggitti 356 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Atheism is the quickest-growing non-religion in the United States. To celebrate this glorious fact, we are pleased to introduce a series of articles of, by, for, and about atheists. We begin with “Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists,” a column designed to help atheists who find themselves caught in

Ass Hats

Oprah Stomps Her Way to an Ass Hat of the Moment Award

philmaggitti 411 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Oprah Winfrey gave away a car on Jimmy Kimmel’s show last night in a transparent attempt to deflect attention from her failed transparent attempt to draw attention to her new movie, something or other about some butler. As an exercise in hey-look-at-me tone deafness . . . .

Saints Alive

St. Giles, Patron Saint of Breastfeeding, Hermits & Edinburgh, Scotland

philmaggitti 392 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–If you are a breastfeeding hermit living in cave near Edinburgh, Scotland, have we got a saint for you. His name is Giles, and he was born a wealthy nobleman in Athens, Greece, in the seventh century. After his parents had died, Giles frittered away his inheritance helping

Saints Alive

Joseph of Cupertino, Patron Saint of Air Travel, Dummies Books

philmaggitti 396 Views 4 min read

On October 4, 1630, the village of Cupertino, Italy, held a procession on the feast day of Saint Francis of Assisi. During the procession a young priest named Joseph, who was there to clean up after the animals, suddenly flew into the sky, where he remained hovering over the crowd

Saints Alive

St. Agatha of Palermo, Patron Saint of Breast Implants and Barbecue

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Next to the Blessed Virgin Mary’s breasts—which no one but the Holy Ghost and the infant Jesus has ever seen—the hooters of St. Agatha of Palermo are the most famous and most venerated in all of christendom. “Mary’s breasts are given titular respect,” says Emilio Cacasodo, S.J., “After

Saints Alive

There’s a Saint for That, New from The Village Atheist

philmaggitti 423 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa–The Catholic church is nothing if not fanciful, some might even say fey, as in man-in-a-purple-dress fey. Those ornate Pius of Hollywood jumpers favored by the church’s high priests, the three-story hats that dwarf the chubby little pope beneath them, the gothic organ music, Omen-like choirs, and incense-laden rituals:

Sporting Life

Top Ten People Riley Cooper Wants to Fight

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PHILADELPHIA–Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper started a conversation on race in America when he declared at a Kenny Chesney concert in June, “I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro.” Mr. Cooper’s threat eventually went viral on the internet, prompting a shit rain of indignation over his

Sporting Life

Philadelphia 76ers Will Play Entire 2013-14 Season Overseas

philmaggitti 412 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA–The Philadelphia 76ers have made what might be their boldest move yet in an offseason filled with bold innovations. Yesterday General Manager Sam Hinkie announced that the 76ers will play in the Beko Turkish Basketball League for the entire 2013-14 season. “We had been weighing the analytic advantages of sending

Culture

Pippa Middleton’s Ass Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be

philmaggitti 418 Views 2 min read

LONDON – In a recent study conducted by the National Centre for Social Research, nine out of ten Britons were unable to identify Pippa Middleton’s ass in a mock police lineup. The 587 randomly selected individuals who took part in the study ranged in age from twenty-one to sixty-five. The