philmaggitti – Page 15 – postcards from the pug bus

Apple Fans Scurry to Parse Steve Jobs’s Final Words

philmaggitti 414 Views 2 min read

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Apple watchers have begun what could be a long and winding effort to interpret the final words of Steve Jobs, who died of pancreatic cancer on October 5. Just before his death Mr. Jobs uttered the words that have sparked an interpretive frenzy, “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.” This utterance, Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick Fingers Three Who Misused Begs the Question

philmaggitti 435 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna, – Hello, boys and girls. The Grammar Prick has a treat for you today. Instead of our regular quiz designed to irritate you and to undermine your confidence in your “language arts skills,” we’re going to present our first Helmet Head® awards, which are designed to irritate “professionals” whose “language arts skills” Read More

Culture Portal

President Obama Restores the Serial Comma to Federal Stylebook

philmaggitti 392 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama is expected to sign an executive order today that will reinstate the rules regarding the use of the serial comma to the Federal Elements of Style, the official guidebook for matters of grammar and usage in federal documents. The signing, accompanied by virtually no fanfare, is typical of the low-key Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick Sticks It to The Neosecularist and ESPN

philmaggitti 472 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – While navigating the backwaters of the internet yesterday, I nearly ran aground on a website entitled The Neosecularist. What brought me up startled was this sentence: “There is some graphic descriptions of abortion procedures in this column.” Harrumph, I said to myself, and there is a graphic example of a language abortion Read More

Technology

First Steve Jobs Miracles Reported, Brown Declares Steve Jobs Day

philmaggitti 447 Views 3 min read

CUPERTINO, Calif. – As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 “Steve Jobs Day” in Mr. Jobs’s home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Read More

Politics Sporting Life

President Obama Threatens NBA Players Who Sign with Foreign Teams

philmaggitti 427 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama said today that National Basketball Association (NBA) players who sign with “foreign teams” during the current NBA lockout will be taxed heavily for their “selfish, un-American behavior.” Speaking from his all-weather, solar-heated basketball court at the White House, the president said he was “tired of American businessmen moving jobs Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

philmaggitti 416 Views 1 min read

New YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could Read More

Ass Hats

Representative Lamar Smith Is the Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 455 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Lamar Smith, chairman of the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee, is the latest winner of the Postcards from the Pug Bug Ass Hat of theMoment award. Mr. Smith (R-Texas) earned this highly influential prize by sponsoring a bill that encapsulates all that is cynical, imperialistic, and reprehensible about the attitudes of Read More

News

Amanda Knox Bags High Paying American Express Ad

philmaggitti 413 Views 2 min read

Amanda Knox: My Life, My Card My name . . . Amanda Knox nickname . . . Foxy Knoxy© perfect day . . . not coming home to a dead roommate greatest disappointment . . . not being able to finish sleeping my way around Italy childhood ambition . . . that my childhood be Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick Rides Hobson’s Choice to Victory

philmaggitti 450 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—While simultaneously watching The Hour on BBC America last night and reading Nina Burleigh’s The Fatal Gift of Beauty: The Trials of Amanda Knox, I heard one of the characters on The Hour refer to a choice between two unpleasant alternatives as a “Hobson’s choice.” “Bloody hell,” I muttered. “That’s not a Hobson’s choice. It’s a Morton’s fork. Read More

Culture

Raffaele Sollecito Eager to Step Out of Amanda Knox’s Shadow

philmaggitti 408 Views 3 min read

PERUGIA, Italy – No matter what happens when an Italian court reaches a verdict in the appeals trial of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox today, Mr. Sollecito says he is ready to be “my own man (un uomo con grandi testicoli),” not “a puppy on a leash,” as he has been called by the Italian Read More

Technology

Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed

philmaggitti 426 Views 2 min read

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. – In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer’s forty-seventh birthday. Ronald Forbin, chief of quality Read More

Blog

An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco

philmaggitti 457 Views 4 min read

Dear Hideous-Looking Assholes:OK, you had your little nude-in last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put ’em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove your stinking business into innocent faces. Get real, Grizzled Nuts. You looked better in your diversity T-shirt and cargo pants than you do Read More

Sporting Life

Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout

philmaggitti 391 Views 3 min read

PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the Read More

Culture

Texas Says Death Row Inmates Deserve Healthier Last Meals

philmaggitti 412 Views 3 min read

HUNTSVILLE, Texas – The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night for killing a handicapped black man thirteen years ago by dragging him from the back of a pick-up truck. Before Read More