philmaggitti – Page 16 – postcards from the pug bus

Patriots Cheerleader Alexa Flutie Should Jump to Canada

philmaggitti 359 Views 2 min read

FOXBORO, Mass. – Alexa Flutie, who finally made the New England Patriots cheerleading team this year, should consider a move to the CFL (Canadian Football League), says one scout, who asked not to be identified. “She’s too small and too slow for the National Football League (NFL),” said the scout. “She’d do better in Canada, Read More

Sporting Life

How to Tell If Your College Football Team’s Uniforms Are Gay

philmaggitti 502 Views 1 min read

BRISTOL, Conn. – Are we hallucinating or have college football uniforms become more and more gay looking these days? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players or androgynous superheroes at a comic book convention? These are not rhetorical questions. If they were, ESPN would not have added an athletic Read More

News

Celebrating National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month

philmaggitti 437 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month, when we pause to acknowledge obese children across the United States. A growing presence in this country, obese children have ballooned from 6.5 to 19.6 percent of the childhood population in the last three decades. The National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, which Read More

Music

An Open Letter to the Rolling Stones

philmaggitti 454 Views 3 min read

Dear Mick, Keith, Charlie, and the New Guy,I have learned recently that you geezers might be touring next year. Please don’t. In the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you sorry git—take a minute to stop and think about what you’re doing. You look like shite; you sound like shite. Read More

Ass Hats

Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, Hooker-Kid Mom Is Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 447 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – What sort of dipshit thinks it’s “hysterically funny” to dress her three-year-old daughter as a hooker and shove her onstage before a nationwide television audience on something called Toddlers & Tiaras? How fucked in the head, how worthless in your own mind do you have to be to get off on using Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Help Save the Post Office, Take This Quiz

philmaggitti 427 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The United States Postal Service (USPS) may go tits up this winter if Congress doesn’t provide it with mail sacks full of cash, roughly $5.5 billion, give or take. That’s the depth of the shit hole the USPS needs to drag its sorry ass out of by the end of this Read More

Religion

Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design

philmaggitti 383 Views 2 min read

MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching “the heathen theory of domestication.” Speaking at the conclusion of the church’s annual snake handling festival, Governor Perry declared, “Just like the pagan theory of evolution ought to Read More

News

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Gone and Forgotten

philmaggitti 427 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Five years ago tomorrow Steve Irwin, better known as the crocodile hunter, died as he had lived: messing with a dangerous critter with whom he had no business messing. This time it was a bull stingray, who was minding his own business in waters near the Great Barrier Reef when the Billy Mays Read More

Sporting Life

Lakers Fan Jack Nicholson Close to Deal with Israeli Team

philmaggitti 434 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jack Nicholson, the face of the Los Angeles Lakers, is close to signing with Maccabi Ashdod of the Israeli Basketball Super League, according to a report first aired on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption yesterday. “There could be an announcement as early as this weekend,” a Maccabi team official told ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser. “We’re thrilled Read More

News

Irene Dumps Record Number of Cliches on East Coast

philmaggitti 450 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – As Hurricane Irene waddled up the East Coast Saturday night and Sunday morning–slower than Kirstie Alley climbing into her sitz bath–forecasters were predicting that Irene would surpass the record number of cliches spawned by Hurricane Floyd in 1999. “Floyd has been the gold standard for us,” said Chase Linderman, senior cliche tracker at Read More

News

Susan Powell’s Husband, Father-in-Law Linked to Supermarket Ad

philmaggitti 424 Views 3 min read

PUYALLUP, Wash. – The investigation into the disappearance of Susan Powell, 28, who has been walkabout for nearly two years, took a turn for the stupid this week when her father-in-law and her husband allegedly placed a personal ad on a supermarket bulletin board. According to local police, the following ad appeared recently at the Read More

Celebrities

Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Breast Correction Surgery at U.N.

philmaggitti 381 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Gwyneth Paltrow is scheduled to take her campaign for breast-correction surgery to the United Nations next week. There the maven of GOOP will address the U.N.’s Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. She is expected to announce her plans to raise money to provide free corrective surgery for women in Read More

News

Casey Anthony Jurors, Exclusive Sneak Preview and Personal Details

philmaggitti 405 Views 3 min read

ORLANDO, Fla. – The identities of the jurors who found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Caylee, will be made public tomorrow amid fears that they will be targeted for retribution by internet cranks, the grossly unappealing, the morbidly obese, and other social rejects who want “Justice for Caylee.” After a thirty-three-day Read More

Religion

National Debunking the Nativity Scene Day℠

philmaggitti 628 Views 7 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads’ insistence that conflate means “to confuse,” conflate means “to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one.” A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus’ birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and Read More

Culture

Paul McCartney CD Rocks the Home Shopping Network

philmaggitti 415 Views 5 min read

Spoiler alert: if you’re a Paul McCartney fan with a weak heart, a receding hairline, or a “cool” kid on the debate team at high school, stop reading now. What follows won’t be a silly love song, Uncle Albert. This being said, it should also be said that it’s almost too easy to make sport Read More