philmaggitti – Page 17 – postcards from the pug bus

Reese Witherspoon, William Shatner, Pat Robertson Birthday News

philmaggitti 467 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Reese Witherspoon, William Shatner, and Pat Robertson, are the winners of the Outback Steakhouse free celebrity birthday meals for this eighty-first day of 2006. According to the latest Outback-Reuters poll, Ms. Witherspoon, 30, Mr. Shatner, 75, and Mr. Robertson, 76, easily bested the likes of actor Karl Malden, 94, mime Marcel Read More

Politics

Thousands of Obamacare Exchange Shoppers Routed to Porn Site

philmaggitti 392 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON–The much-anticipated rollout of Obamacare had its lighter moments yesterday when thousands of Americans who went shopping for health-care coverage online were routed to a porn site instead. Administration officials acknowledged late last night that they were “aware of the situation” and were working to correct it. Meanwhile a spokesman for Health and Read More

Culture Technology

AARP Endorses iPad Betty White Model for Sexting Seniors-CCTV Cameras

philmaggitti 426 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Apple and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) have joined forces in order to fill a niche in the ever-competitive cell phone market: the growing popularity of sexting among senior citizens. “We believe that an active, satisfying sex life is important for a senior citizen’s health and well being,” said AARP Read More

News

Corey Haim or Corey Feldman Found Dead of Drug Overdose

philmaggitti 493 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Corey Haim, 38, or actor Corey Feldman, 38, was pronounced dead at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California, Wednesday morning after an apparent overdose. This according to a police spokesman. Police learned of the death, which occurred between 4 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. Wednesday, when staff at Read More

News Religion

Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal

philmaggitti 415 Views 2 min read

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting. That gentleman, Angelo Balducci, was heard on a police wiretap negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a twenty-nine-year-old Vatican chorister, over the physical details of men he wanted brought to him. “I’ma Read More

Culture

Satire Site Reveals How to Tell When You’ve Had Sex

philmaggitti 468 Views 2 min read

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University were gobsmacked to learn that people cannot agree on what they mean when they say they’ve “had sex.” This conclusion was reached following phone interviews with a random sample of 204 men and 282 women living in Indiana. The respondents ranged in age from Read More

Music

RIAA Sues Fetus as Accessory to Illegal Downloading

philmaggitti 456 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK — The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has lowered the bar in its war against music piracy. In a surprising legal maneuver the RIAA slapped a four-month-old fetus with a Baby Doe warrant for being an accessory to its mother’s illegal downloading of three Trout Fishing in America CDs and several other Read More

Music

Musicians Admit to Only Pretending to Like Pete Seeger

philmaggitti 452 Views 2 min read

Dave Matthews, Bruce Springsteen, and a host of musicians who have appeared with folk singer Pete Seeger during the last few years have admitted they were “only pretending to like” the ninety-year-old Seeger and his music. “At first we were like, who invited the old guy,” said one musician who did not wish to be Read More

News

Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?

philmaggitti 408 Views 1 min read

ORLANDO – As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its Dancing with Killer Whales program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau, who died a public and agonizing death on Wednesday. According to a former co-worker, Ms. Brancheau, Read More

Music

Klaus Harmony Tribute Band Will Rock 2011 Super Bowl

philmaggitti 438 Views 2 min read

A German Klaus Harmony tribute band calling themselves the Wondercrotchens is scheduled to rock the 2011 Super Bowl, according to a National Football League spokesperson. Their appearance will mark the first ever performance by a tribute band at the Super Bowl. “We have featured every aging rock group who could still wheel themselves on stage,” Read More

News

Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook

philmaggitti 424 Views 2 min read

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island’s 1st congressional district since 1995, announced earlier this week that he would not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and prescription, since his student days at Rhode Island Community College. As some of Read More

Culture

Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign

philmaggitti 411 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turns fifty-one today, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign. “If America’s young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne,” said the Read More

Technology

Toyota Recalling 250,000 Owners in the United States

philmaggitti 416 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry,Highlander, and Tundra models. “We have notified these persons by registered mail,” said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel Read More

News

Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire

philmaggitti 463 Views 3 min read

EXTON, Penna. – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon Read More

News Weed

AARP Head Announces Support for Legalized Pot

philmaggitti 479 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON – The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group’s campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Great American Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, July 8-10. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Beano, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener. Read More