postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

Author: philmaggitti

Music

Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy

philmaggitti 470 Views 3 min read

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for intellectual bankruptcy, according to a notice published on his official website—The Gospel According to St. Van. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he hasn’t had a worthwhile musical idea since 1972 and that he’s tired of recycling the same three riffs, though Read More

News

SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh

philmaggitti 415 Views 2 min read

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since Read More

News

Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

philmaggitti 418 Views 1 min read

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

philmaggitti 429 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK, N.Y. - The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas. According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up Read More

Sporting Life

Tiger Woods’ Last Golf Digest Article Leaked to Press

philmaggitti 433 Views 3 min read

TRUMBULL, Conn. – One day after Golf Digest had announced that it was suspending Tiger Woods’ popular instructional series, “Lay It As It Plays,” the final column in that series was leaked to the press. Entitled “Workin’ the Two Hole,” the article contained Mr. Woods’ most playful comments to date regarding his serial infidelities, but the magazine Read More

Religion

God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning

philmaggitti 474 Views 2 min read

HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that Read More

Sporting Life

Tiger Woods Admits to Tryptophan Addiction

philmaggitti 400 Views 1 min read

JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. – Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was “high as a kite” the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn. “For several years now I have been tryptophan-dependent,” Read More

Religion

God Installs Caller ID and Verizon Corporate Package

philmaggitti 421 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received in the weeks before the deaths of Terri Schaivo and Pope John Paul II, God has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayer requests. These features are part of the new fiber-based Verizon Corporate Package, which also Read More

Culture

Verizon Guy Sued for Telephone Harassment

philmaggitti 475 Views 2 min read

BREWSTER, NY – Paul Marcarelli, better known to millions of television viewers as “the Verizon guy,” has been sued for sexual harassment and making terroristic threats by telephone. The suit was filed by Marcarelli’s ex-fiancee, Julia Richardson, in Brewster, NY, where Marcarelli lives.” According to Richardson, 33, she is the person to whom Marcarelli used Read More

Culture

Bono Challenges World Leaders to Save Board Games

philmaggitti 489 Views 3 min read

MILPITAS, Calif. – Bono, U2’s crusading frontman, has set himself his most ambitious and difficult task to date: rescuing board games from neglect and despair. Toward that end the globe-trotting, name-checking, self-aggrandizing-but humble singer has announced the release of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, a board game he designed to “reintroduce people everywhere to Read More

News

Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency

philmaggitti 459 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1. “Al Qaeda’s a real sleeper this year,” said Read More

Religion

Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass

philmaggitti 470 Views 1 min read

VATICAN CITY — Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope’s decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray. Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig Read More

Religion

God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge

philmaggitti 416 Views 4 min read

HEAVEN – Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to Read More

News

Walmart Stock in the Crosshairs

philmaggitti 432 Views 3 min read

MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career paths. Although Wal-Mart shares closed at $112.99 on Friday, just 1.8% below their all-time high, many Wal-Mart employees Read More