philmaggitti – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Atheist Brotherhood to Begin Unbaptizing Dead People

philmaggitti 602 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.–The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing dead people next month, says the group’s founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind in West Goshen Township, which was Money Magazine‘s eleventh-best small town in America in 2009, unbaptizing removes “the taint of baptism” Read More

Saints Alive

Saint Dymphna Patron Saint of Home Schooling and West Virginia

philmaggitti 484 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Imagine you are a fourteen-year-old girl and you discover that your father wants to hook up with you because you resemble your late mother. You’ve unfriended him on Facebook and you ignore his sext messages, but you still suspect he may have installed a toilet cam in your bathroom. This was the cross Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

National One-Hit Wonders Day Quiz

philmaggitti 508 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, PA—Today we sing the praises of the one-hit wonder (OHW)—pop music’s most prodigious benefactor, the artist who keeps on giving even after he or she or them or it is no longer selling and is setting the GPS for Branson. Yet there is power in the relevance of the irrelevant, my fellow babies, Read More

News

Magic Mushroom Research Validates Sixties Stories

philmaggitti 553 Views 3 min read

BALTIMORE, MD — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine’s Internal Research Department have demonstrated that the sixties, a period of mythical renown in American culture, really were as “groovy” as some people claim. In the straightforward study, thirty-six carefully screened, non-drug-using subjects were given “magic mushrooms,” a popular recreational substance during the sixties, Read More

Ass Hats

Carron J. Phillips of Deadspin is the Asshat of the Moment

philmaggitti 696 Views 4 min read

Inspiration, like god, works in mysterious ways. Just the other day we were inspired by a piece we saw on the Deadspin website, not a place where a person usually goes for inspiration. This piece, obviously written by a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, shit-flinging, mother-loving, liberal mungwad, featured the inspiring headline: “Players and recruits shouldn’t trust Kim Read More

News

Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

philmaggitti 532 Views 2 min read

Brussels–Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split. “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart. I’ll always love Yang and his bright, active approach to life, but it’s time for Read More

Weed

High Times Declares Five Strains of Cannabis Extinct

philmaggitti 511 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—High Times magazine estimates that 98 percent of all marijuana strains ever created have gone extinct, and more strains face the danger of extinction each day. Bedhead OG? Available in the northernmost parts of Minnesota, if you’re lucky. Pwr Bttm? Began to disappear right around the time the band did. Zimmerman’s Folly? Hasn’t been Read More

Politics

Top Ten Things That Will Fall Now That Roe Has Fallen

philmaggitti 702 Views 2 min read

The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program. Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a Read More

Politics

Thoughts on First Visiting Wellsboro Cemetery

philmaggitti 529 Views 2 min read

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r,And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave,Awaits alike th’ inevitable hour.The paths of glory lead but to the grave. Thomas Gray, “Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard” Wellsboro, Pennsylvania, population 3,191, was founded in 1806. Had we been able to choose our birthplace, we would have chosen there; Read More

Culture

Wal-Mart Employees Embarrassed by Stock Decline

philmaggitti 490 Views 3 min read

MORGANTOWN, Penna. – The recent decline in the value of Wal-Mart stock has decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career opportunities. Wal-Mart shares dropped nearly 4 percent on Thursday, threatening their four-and-a-half-year low set in late April, and Wal-Mart employees are Read More

Culture

Parental Controls Fail: Porn, Stupid TV, Cooking Shows Still Dominate

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Despite their widespread use, parental controls have been a disappointment as a means of empowering children to control their parents’ Internet and television viewing. According to Victoria Dumars, a spokeswoman for the Consortium for a Sound Intellect in New York (CSI-New York), “Parents are very resourceful when it comes to evading Read More

Religion

Did God Write Other Books Besides The Bible?

philmaggitti 573 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Like J.K. Rowling, who has not stopped writing since finishing the Harry Potter series, God may not have stopped writing after finishing The Bible, say some Christian scholars. Indeed, they argue, it would have been an incredible waste of talent if God had never written another book. “If you had authored the greatest book Read More

You Can't PhotoShop This

A Barrel of Laughs at the Gastroenterology Office: You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 472 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—When was the last time you had a good laugh in the gastroenterology office? A really good laugh, not some tight-ass snortle, but a full-on, stuff-coming-out-your-nose production? I didn’t think so. There’s more laughter at funerals than at the gastro’s. Of course people who attend funerals usually don’t spend the night before shoving M80s up Read More

Culture

5 Easy Hacks for Improving Your Karma This Summer

philmaggitti 488 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Contrary to popular opinion–and to the creators of My Name Is Earl–karma is not about payback, nor is it about living right so you don’t come back as a port-o-potty in the next life, and it sure as hell ain’t about some Great Score Keeper in the sky. Karma was invented more Read More

Technology

New Study Suggests: Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul

philmaggitti 622 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study, conducted by a team of researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Social Psychometrics, was designed to replicate a century-old study that reported the weight of the human Read More