postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

Author: philmaggitti

Music

Amy Winehouse Cancels All Personal Hygiene Activities

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Singer Amy Winehouse, 24, has announced that she is canceling all personal hygiene activities—even down to having her beehive steam cleaned—until her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from London’s Pentonville prison. Reading from a statement scribbled on a greasy fish-and-chips sack, Ms. Winehouse told reporters outside her house yesterday, “I can’t give it Read More

Sporting Life

All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor’s Number

philmaggitti 377 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season. “The NFL is a family, dysfunctional or otherwise,” said Commissioner Goodall, “and when a family member dies, Read More

Culture

Rachael Ray Sex Videos, the Director’s Cuts, Available Friday

philmaggitti 404 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – The long-awaited director’s cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, “Thirty-Minute Ménages” and “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage. “Sometimes you just can’t get all the junk into your Read More

Politics

President Bush Will Pardon Thanksgiving Tofurky

philmaggitti 484 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn. By pardoning the tofurky—which is made from a blend of wheat gluten, tofu, soy by-products, bran flakes, and “real turkey flavor”—the president hopes to demonstrate his commitment to the fight Read More

News

Conan O’Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican

philmaggitti 429 Views 2 min read

BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O’Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today. The Reverend Ajemian, better known as Father Flipper, will serve as the entertainment industry liaison under another well-known Boston-area prelate, Bernard Francis Cardinal Read More

Music

Paul McCartney Drops Boob Visitation Request

philmaggitti 417 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills’ breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule. “My client is prepared to quit his claims of alienation of affection and emotional deprivation if that will help to put paid Read More

NewsPolitics

Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount

philmaggitti 435 Views 1 min read

SAN FRANCISCO – Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie in this year’s Nobel Peace Prize voting. Mr. Gore, 59, shared the prize with the United Nation’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, but he says he “will not rest until the prize Read More

Culture

Thomas the Tank Engine Sued for Sexual Harassment

philmaggitti 468 Views 1 min read

VICARSTOWN, Sodor – Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The beloved tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “Fuck off!” According to Read More

News

RIAA Sends Message to Native American Single Mothers of Two

philmaggitti 445 Views 1 min read

DULUTH, Minn. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) prevailed yesterday in its efforts to stamp out copyright infringement by Native American single mothers of two children. Jammie Thomas, 30, who was found guilty of “musical terrorism” related to alleged online music-sharing activities, now owes the RIAA $222,000 for making twenty-four songs, including Sarah Read More

Music

Bruce Springsteen’s Hair Rocks Hartford

philmaggitti 455 Views 2 min read

HARTFORD, Conn. – Bruce Springsteen’s hair kicked ass and took names at the Hartford Civic Center last night. Reunited with the E Street Band for the first time in five years, Mr. Springsteen’s hair launched its Magic tour with a twenty-three-song set that recalled its glory days while demonstrating there’s still plenty of room left for growth. Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Stripped of Her Citizenship

philmaggitti 399 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears has been stripped of her citizenship, the White House revealed this morning. President Bush took this rare, but not unprecedented, step when he signed an executive order relieving Ms. Spears of her citizenship at 8:59 last evening, just before he retired for the night. “Presidents are reluctant to invoke this Read More

News

Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot

philmaggitti 378 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won’t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today. “The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,” said Read More

Sporting Life

Donovan McNabb Says Black Dogfighters Are More Criticized

philmaggitti 432 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has gone deep again. His target this time is the perceived inequality in the treatment of white and black dogfighters. “Black dogfighters get criticized far more often than white dogfighters do,” Mr. McNabb told Philadelphia Inquirer columnist David Aldridge. “You saw what happened to Michael Vick. If that had been Tom Read More