philmaggitti – Page 22 – postcards from the pug bus

Live Earth Event Planned to Fix Live Earth Concerts Damage

philmaggitti 449 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Last Saturday’s Live Earth concerts were such an environmental disaster that concert organizers plan to schedule another, more environmentally neutral event to offset the damage done by the first one. “In terms of carbon footprints, Live Earth was somewhere between Sasquatch and Jennifer Hudson,” admitted former president-elect Al Gore, the brains behind the Read More

Culture

Sicko Message Belied by Weinstein Company’s Tactics

philmaggitti 408 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The message of Michael Moore’s Sicko, that the health-care-system deck in this country is stacked against poor people, is belied by the ethically questionable campaign of the film’s distributor, the Weinstein Company, to deny access to “their” film and its empowering message to anyone who can’t afford the price of admission. The Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Blames Lack of Nudity for Movie Failure

philmaggitti 413 Views 3 min read

NEW ORLEANS – Angelina Jolie believes the decision to eliminate her nude, steamy sex scenes from A Mighty Heart “cost this extremely important, serious movie the audience that it and I deserved.” A Mighty Heart describes the search for Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, who was kidnapped and ultimately beheaded in Pakistan five years ago. An ardently sensitive film Read More

Celebrities Religion

Paris Hilton Interview Denied by Jesus

philmaggitti 424 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Hoping to preempt Paris Hilton’s sure-to-come assertion that it was her discovery of Jesus Christ, and Mr. Christ’s discovery of her, that got her through those long nights in prison, Mr. Christ has emailed a statement to the Los Angeles Times. The email, from [email protected], arrived at the newspaper’s editorial office late yesterday afternoon. Read More

Culture

Summer Solstice a Gas, Gas, Gas in Amish Country

philmaggitti 425 Views 2 min read

NEW HOLLAND, Penna. – Members of the Six-fingered Amish Church of the Propane Redeemer in New Holland, Pennsylvania, celebrated the Third Annual Summer Stoltzfus today. The celebration, which began at 2:46 a.m. and will last until sundown, is designed to counteract the “pagan influence” of Summer Solstice festivals held across the United States. The venerable Read More

News Politics

Sopranos Ending Debated by Republican Presidential Candidates

philmaggitti 445 Views 3 min read

QUEENS, N.Y. – The ending of “Made in America,” the final episode of The Sopranos, was the sole topic of discussion last night at a debate among the Republican presidential candidates. The freewheeling, one-hour discussion, moderated by William F. Buckley Jr., was held on a darkened HBO sound stage at an undisclosed location. The candidates were Read More

Culture

A&E Promises Better Sopranos Ending

philmaggitti 440 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – An executive for the A&E Television Network promises that its version of The Sopranos final episode, “Made in America,” originally broadcast on HBO last Sunday, “will be much more satisfying” than David Chase’s ambiguous closing that left so many viewers with their skivvies up their cracks. “This is still a Christian nation, thank God,” Read More

Politics

President Bush Taps Jessica Simpson for Educational Position

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush returns to Washington early this week, he is expected to name Jessica Simpson as the face of his newest educational initiative: No Child Left Unpaid. Desperate to claim any success before his administration is consigned to the shitheap of history, and to demonstrate that he, too, can nail celebrity Read More

Technology

Microsoft Acquires Open Source Christian Software

philmaggitti 438 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft’s co-founder Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “open source salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Read More

Culture

Rudy Giuliani Dies in Sopranos Final Episode

philmaggitti 398 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Republican presidential candidate Rudolph “Rudy the Skull” Giuliani meets an untimely fate in the final episode of The Sopranos. The former New York mayor is gunned down while dining at Umberto’s, a restaurant popular with mobsters, in the city’s Little Italy section. According to Ralph “Jimmy the Fish” Pescatore, who portrays Mr. Giuliani Read More

Culture

Paul McCartney Tea Flavor Coming to Starbucks

philmaggitti 398 Views 2 min read

SEATTLE – Starbucks will introduce McTwee, a new flavor of camellia sinensis, commonly known as tea, as part of its upcoming International Paul McCartney Day celebrations on Tuesday June 5. In addition to playing Mr. McCartney’s new CD, Memory Almost Full, all day long at more then ten thousand Starbucks outlets in twenty-nine countries and territories Read More

Music

Paul McCartney CD Rocks the Home Shopping Network

philmaggitti 419 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Spoiler alert: if you’re a Paul McCartney fan with a weak heart, a receding hairline, or a “cool” kid on the debate team at high school, stop reading now. What follows won’t be a silly love song, Uncle Albert. This being said, it should also be said that Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Model Recalled by Mercedes-Benz

philmaggitti 400 Views 3 min read

MONTVALE, N.J. – Mercedes-Benz USA is recalling its Lindsay Lohan SL65 model. The most powerful production SL model offered by Mercedes, the SL65 features a 604-horsepower, twin-turbocharged V-12 engine and more overall modifications than Joan Rivers. The recall was not unexpected in view of the Lohan SL65’s collision with a curb and several trees in Read More

Celebrities

Paris Hilton Blames Mother for Monks’ Mandala Massacre

philmaggitti 445 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Sri Paris Hilton said yesterday that “God will punish” the mother of the little boy who turfed a sand mandala on the floor of the Union Station in Kansas City, Missouri. Ms. Hilton, who has begun calling herself Sri Paris as a consequence of her “recent spiritual experiences,” talked with paparazzi outside the Read More

Music

Keith Richards Praises Hair Club for Men at Pirates Premiere

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ANAHEIM, Calif. – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards showed up last night for the world premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, but all he wanted to talk about was the Hair Club for Men. Each time he paused on the red carpet to ask directions to the theater, Mr. Richards spoke of the Read More