philmaggitti – Page 23 – postcards from the pug bus

Tony Soprano Will Die in Final Harry Potter Book

philmaggitti 422 Views 3 min read

LONDON – According to someone named “Christopher” writing on The Leaky Cauldron website, Tony Soprano will die in the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. “Tony lures Furio Giunta back from Italy in order to get revenge on him,” writes Christopher, “because Tony’s had a hard on for Furio ever since Carmella Read More

Politics

President Bush Hails Killing of One-Legged Taliban Leader

philmaggitti 432 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush hailed the killing of the Taliban’s top one-legged military strategist, Mullah Dadullah, as a “sure sign” the United States “has turned the corner” in the war on handicapped terrorists. “In the end, like all handicapped enemies of freedom, [Dadullah] didn’t have a leg to stand on,” said the Read More

News

Alert Clerk Foils Fort Dix Delivery from Allah

philmaggitti 436 Views 3 min read

FORT Dix, N.J. – Another alert clerk has foiled an attempt to compromise United States interests at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey. The clerk, whose name is being withheld at the request of military officials, works at a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware. The unnamed clerk became suspicious when a bearded man Read More

Celebrities

Paris Hilton Fires Publicist, Astrologer, Chef

philmaggitti 428 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. The twenty-six year-old socialite fired her publicist, her astrologer, and her chef yesterday in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, “I’m going to start paying Read More

Technology

Microsoft to Begin Shipping Windows Linux Ubuntu

philmaggitti 450 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – Software giant Microsoft announced yesterday that it will begin shipping its newest operating system, Windows Linux Ubuntu, by the end of this month. Computers sold with this free, open-source operating system pre-installed will cost, on average, $149.95 fewer than computers sold with Windows Vista Service Pack 9 pre-installed. Microsoft’s announcement caught computer-industry Read More

Politics

Hillary Clinton to Explain Why She’s on DC Madam’s List

philmaggitti 409 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow morning at which she is expected to explain why her name appears on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the notorious DC madam. Ms. Clinton hastily called the press conference today after The Drudge Report had claimed that her Read More

News Politics

Immigration Rallies Marred by Disappointing Flag Sales

philmaggitti 419 Views 2 min read

DENVER – Immigration rallies held across the United States yesterday failed to attract the large crowds that marked last year’s events or to generate the healthy sales of American flags seen last year. In Denver, for example, 75,000 people marched in 2006, but only ten thousand demonstrated yesterday, said organizers, while Denver police put the Read More

Celebrities

Hugh Grant Arrested for Spilling the Beans at Photographer

philmaggitti 393 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Hugh Grant was arrested and questioned by police yesterday after he had allegedly littered the road near his West London house with the contents of a tub of baked beans he had hurled at a photographer. The vicious attack, one of the worst cases of littering in recent Chelsea history, is said to Read More

Weed

Willie Nelson Avoids Jail After Policeman Can’t Remember Bust

philmaggitti 444 Views 3 min read

ST. MARTINVILLE, La. – Willie Nelson avoided jail when the policeman who had cited him for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms last September 18 told a judge yesterday that he “had no recollection” of the incident. “Yer honor, I cain’t say as I ever seen this man before,” said the policeman, who was placed Read More

Music

Sheryl Crow’s Cat Demands More Litter Paper

philmaggitti 391 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Sheryl Crow’s cat, Biodiesel, has gone missing, apparently in protest over the singer’s stingy attitude regarding the paper in his litter pan. Sources close to Biodiesel told Cat Fancy magazine that the five-year-old neutered male had become despondent after Ms. Crow had replaced his normal litter with a few scraps of cut-up old newspaper Read More

News

Virginia Tech Shooter Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloads

philmaggitti 400 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – The estate of Cho Seung-Hui, the former Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two people last week, has been sued by the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America ) for illegally downloading more than ten thousand songs. The $100-million suit, $10,000 per song times ten thousand songs, is believed to be the largest Read More

Technology

Microsoft Offers Windows Vista Free to Good Homes

philmaggitti 398 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, “free to good homes.” An official at Microsoft said the company had decided to take this unprecedented step because there are too many copies of Vista upgrades getting underfoot and running up boarding fees in Read More

News

Virginia Tech Shootings Prompt NRA to Arm College Students

philmaggitti 403 Views 3 min read

FAIRFAX, Vir. – The shootings at Virginia Tech University this week have inspired the NRA (National Rifle Association) to draft a plan to prevent similar mass murders on college campuses. The NRA proposal, called No Student Left Unarmed, would require every college student in the United States to carry the firearm of his or her Read More

Politics

Don Imus Pardoned by President Bush

philmaggitti 406 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former MSNBC personality Don Imus was pardoned by President Bush yesterday in a surprising exercise of executive privilege. The timing of the pardon was unusual. Outgoing presidents generally issue pardons on their last day in office right before catching the helicopter out of Washington. Some observers are speculating, therefore, that by acting Read More

Technology

Sluggish Vista Users Will Be Patched by Microsoft

philmaggitti 399 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – The Microsoft Corporation has responded swiftly to complaints from Windows Vista users who reported feeling sluggish after upgrading to the new operating system. Yesterday the Redmond giant released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Vista users by Microsoft-validated physicians. “The HOW starts now,” declared Microsoft co-founder Read More