Author: philmaggitti

YONKERS, N.Y.-–The June digital issue of Consumer Reports magazine will contain the venerable product tester’s first-ever rating of patron saints. The long-awaited rating is expected to save consumers time and money in seeking heavenly intercession for any of an exhausting list of ailments, both mental and physical, as well as protection against all manner of crimes, pestilence, Read More

WEST CHESTER, PA—I am proud to announce this morning that Postcards from the Pug Bus, the alt-right’s favorite satire site, is an official sanctuary website. As long as bat-shit-crazy college professors inflict their political views on their students, as long as the homonazis try to destroy a small business owner’s livelihood for making a perfectly legal decision, as long Read More

WEST CHESTER–A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, who had not seen the woman for several days, alerted local police, who performed a wellness check, only to discover Read More

Dr. Malkowitz likens the attitudes toward shadow research to those that impeded research into the cognitive and emotional lives of animals until recently.

BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart will no longer sell Chinese toothpaste in its United States outlets. The global retail giant announced yesterday that it was taking this step after receiving numerous complaints from its American customers. “You’ve heard that old joke about Chinese food?” asked Wal-Mart’s executive vice president of oral hygiene, Champ Myers. “The one Read More

WINGHAM, Near Sandwich, Kent, Next to Blasingstone-on-Avon England—A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities. Those of you who haven’t vaped your brains out completely yet may recall a typically vain announcement, Read More