philmaggitti – Page 4 – postcards from the pug bus

National Pardon Yourself Day

philmaggitti 528 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Everyone, it seems, has an opinion regarding a president’s authority to pardon himself for wrong doings of a pardonable sort. Ever the contrarians, we do not have an opinion in this regard. Lucky you. We do, nevertheless, believe that pardons, by whomever they are issued, resemble charity: they ought to begin and Read More

Technology

Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

philmaggitti 495 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not. This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout of Windows 10 last year Read More

Ass Hats

Whoopi Goldberg Is an Ass Hat for Sure

philmaggitti 453 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—A gay, British, former friend of mine who was active in the animal rights movement … and, some whispered, active in the animal rights “underground” too … hated Whoopi Goldberg. Absolutely hated, despised, shat-upon-spat-upon hatred. Hated her so much that he stooped to hurling an ethnic slur at Whoopi. Yep. He called Read More

Saints Alive

St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions

philmaggitti 651 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Saint Theneva of Glasgow was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of god in that enterprise. Discovering that Theneva had conceived Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick’s Lockdown Lessons

philmaggitti 460 Views 2 min read

I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you’re staying quietly in your rooms, here’s a quiz to keep you amused. C’mon, you can’t look at porn Read More

Politics

Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

philmaggitti 400 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following Read More

Ass Hats

Van Morrison Is the Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 478 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—That disgusting, little fat-shit Van Morrison, all of 5’5″ in his high-heeled boots, is the Ass Hat of the Moment for September 27. At one time a snot-flinging, curb-biting drunk, Morrison is still such a cunt that he won’t allow people to drink at his “concerts” now that he doesn’t. That is Read More

News

NSA Blames Vague Terror Warning on Inability to Decode Pig Latin

philmaggitti 465 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning—”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future”—is an “unavoidable function” of the NSA’s “current systemic inability” to decode spoken Pig Latin. “We have the capability of Read More

Politics

Math, Gravity, and Speed Limits Reek of White Supremacy

philmaggitti 436 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Brooklyn College Professor of Math Education Laurie Rubel proclaimed recently on Twitter that the mathematical equation 2+2=4 “reeks of white supremacist patriarchy. The idea that math (or data) is culturally neutral or in any way objective is a MYTH.” Professor All Caps, for whom 2+2 has not equaled four in a long Read More

Blog

Why I Love the Coronavirus

philmaggitti 494 Views 3 min read

COVID-19 is the gift pandemic that keeps on giving: a gleaming, unforgiving mirror that reflects the foibles, failures, and foolhardiness of the American people in 4K mind-blowing splendor. No one is exempt, Skippy, not republicans, democrats, libertarians, vegans, transvestites, independents, eggheads, skinheads, straights, non-straights (I got your binary, here), cisgenders, misgenders, those who think the Read More

News

New Study Suggests That Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul

philmaggitti 437 Views 1 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study, conducted by a team of researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Social Psychometrics, was designed to replicate a century-old study that reported the weight of Read More

U.S. News

Keister Family Tired of Being Butt of Jokes

philmaggitti 432 Views 2 min read

LIVONIA, Mich. – Ron and Linda Keister of Livonia have filed a civil suit against their next door neighbor Tim Dryzinski. The Keisters seek $275,000 in damages from Mr. Dryzinski “because he has ignored repeated requests to stop making fun of us and our last name.” The Keisters allege that Mr. Dryzinski’s constant ridicule–“he even Read More

Book of Daze

National Debunking the Nativity Scene Day℠

philmaggitti 563 Views 7 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads’ insistence that conflate means “to confuse,” conflate means “to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one.” A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus’ birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and Read More

Book of Daze

National Ban CBD Forever Day℠

philmaggitti 672 Views 4 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Regarding CBD oil, never has so much been swallowed by so many at such great cost to so little effect. Consequently Postcards from the Pug Bus are urging President Trump to sign an executive order at once making it illegal to manufacture, distribute, house, consume, possess, shelter, or talk about in public Read More

Book of Daze

National Driver Recall Day℠

philmaggitti 625 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK–Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry, Highlander, and Tundra models. “We have notified these persons by registered mail,” said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel at Read More