philmaggitti – Page 4 – postcards from the pug bus

National Screw the Pooch Day, Why Dogs Despise It℠

philmaggitti 761 Views 1 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–”Screw the pooch”—short for “fuck the dog”— is an expression made popular in Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book about the Mercury space program, The Right Stuff. To screw the pooch is to commit a horribly wrong and embarrassing mistake, one from which there is no recovering. Predictably dogs hate

Innerviews

Atheist Scores Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus

philmaggitti 403 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Although we hold no brief with invisible friends in the sky—not the nine choirs of angels, the eight maids a-milking, the heavenly hosts a-dancing, or the figments of anybody’s fevered second-rate imagination—we are fascinated with the Historical Jesus, the apocalyptic prophet and rabble rouser who did exist and

News

Deaths from Weighted Blankets on the Rise

philmaggitti 494 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER–A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, who had not seen the woman for several days, alerted local police, who performed a

News

Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation

philmaggitti 421 Views 1 min read

Dr. Malkowitz likens the attitudes toward shadow research to those that impeded research into the cognitive and emotional lives of animals until recently.

Celebrities

Scarlett Johansson’s Ass to Star in American Express Ad

philmaggitti 452 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Scarlett Johansson’s ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them. Scarlett Johansson: My Life, My CardName . . . Scarlett Johansson Born . . . November 22, 1984 Sign . . . gluteus maximus rising Childhood ambition . . . to

Book of Daze

National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day℠

philmaggitti 681 Views 2 min read

James Carville described Pennsylvania as “Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in between.” Living just far enough west of Philadelphia to witness the truth of Mr. Carville’s observation, we are not surprised that today is National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day, sponsored by DAMM Pennsylvania. Headquartered

Culture

Local SPCA Rescues 250 Pug Dog Figurines

philmaggitti 430 Views 4 min read

CHADDS FORD, Penn. – Acting on a tip from a local animal rights activist, police and SPCA officers raided the home of longtime pug figurine collector Dotsie Kerrigan, 67, yesterday. As horrified neighbors in the exclusive development of Chadds Ford Knoll looked on, police removed more than 250 pug figurines

Technology

Updates for Old White Man Apps Due from Apple, Google

philmaggitti 801 Views 2 min read

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who

Technology

Apple iPhone 12 Contains Fecal Finder™ App

philmaggitti 447 Views 2 min read

In its rollout of the iPhone 12, Apple seems to have saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last: the Fecal Finder™ app, which can detect fecal material as small as one part per one hundred millionth on any iPhone 12. “That’s like being

News

Wal-Mart Pulls All Chinese Toothpaste in the United States

philmaggitti 511 Views 2 min read

BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart will no longer sell Chinese toothpaste in its United States outlets. The global retail giant announced yesterday that it was taking this step after receiving numerous complaints from its American customers. “You’ve heard that old joke about Chinese food?” asked Wal-Mart’s executive vice president of oral

News

Sir Paul Caught on Video Attempting to Buy Pot

philmaggitti 467 Views 2 min read

WINGHAM, Near Sandwich, Kent, Next to Blasingstone-on-Avon England—A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities. Those of you who haven’t vaped your brains out completely yet may

Culture

Five Signs That Your Karma Needs a Makeover

philmaggitti 624 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Karma, the law of moral causation, was invented more than 2,500 years ago in Northern India to answer troubling questions about the inequalities of life. People wanted to know, for example, why one person had separate houses for his family and his animals while another person shared his

Politics

Are You the Master of Your Bedroom?

philmaggitti 437 Views 2 min read

The true conservative does not like anything to happen that has not happened before. He prefers old dogs, old friends, old whiskey, and old songs…old words, too…and he’s apt to become shirty when old words get surrounded by crime scene tape strung up by the low priests of political correctness

Book of Daze

National Pardon Yourself Day

philmaggitti 504 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Everyone, it seems, has an opinion regarding a president’s authority to pardon himself for wrong doings of a pardonable sort. Ever the contrarians, we do not have an opinion in this regard. Lucky you. We do, nevertheless, believe that pardons, by whomever they are issued, resemble charity:

Technology

Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

philmaggitti 472 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not. This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout