Author: philmaggitti

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pot is dead. Deader than a pile of stinking roaches in a dirty ashtray. Deader than Jerry Garcia. Deader than phone booths or analog clocks, the draft, or smoking on airplanes. Weed is, like, so 1973. So are rolling joints, the Rolling Stones, roach clips, cleaning bongs, drinking the bong water, burning Read More

    By Phil Maggitti    Dec 17, 2019 – 4:07         EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Almighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021. “Load management,” a clumsy yet ineffective synonym for Read More

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Trompe l’oeil (tromp LOY) or “trick of the eye” en français is the technique of using realistic imagery to create an optical illusion of depth and thereby fucking with people’s minds. The term originated with a trickster named Louis-Léopold Boilly (1761-1845), who used it as the title of a painting he exhibited in the Paris Read More

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pascal was on to something when he wrote in Pensées, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” That was 349 years ago, Gentle Reader, and people weren’t good at the sitting-quietly thing. Indeed, wrote The Guardian recently, “. . . they’d do almost anything else: play boules, Read More

WEST GOSHEN, Pa—If a nation can be judged by what it celebrates, the United States is fucked six ways to Sunday and back. To point a crooked finger at just one of a frightening shitload of days we observe, today is National Gingerbread House Day, according to the wizards at National Day Calendar (NDC). If that Read More

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Those fucking soccer moms and their limp-dick, male-pattern-baldness, girly-man, yes-ma’am allies are at it again. Their tiresome crusade to reduce our vibrant, often fractious, melting-pot society to a white-bread, missionary-position-only blandness has resulted in a ban on Four Loko, Cuban cigars, radar detectors, cigarettes, candy cigarettes, foie gras, free speech, lawn darts, and more.       Read More

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.—The impact of Friedrich Nietzsche on our times ist überwältigend, so overwhelming, in fact, that it often seems as if there is more than one Nietzsche; and according to The New Yorker, which never settles for one when many will do, there are neun Nietzsche: French, American, pragmatic, analytic, feminist, gay, black, environmentalist, and proto-fascist. Read More

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Today we celebrate National Poisoned Cha-Cha Day in memory of that time when the war between the sexes took a turn for the grim. No man worth his Bushy Beavers subscription can forget where he was when he learned that a woman in Sao de Jose Rio Preto, Brazil, had tried to kill her Read More

Baltimore, MD—Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because “evil, evil people in white vans” are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven’t been worn out by prostitution, to Dark Web laboratories. “We’re getting Read More

Few activities enrage feminists more than side-saddle riding. We’re talking horses, now, not some perverse spin on scissoring. Feminists of every sort—classic, non-binary, echo [sic], inter sectional, intercollegiate, separatist, and beard wearing—lose their shit at the sight of a female sitting side saddle on a horse, even though The Spectator has declared it “practical, fashionable … and Read More

Small Town America, who doesn’t love it … or at least the idea of it? Tree-lined streets with a church on every third corner; impish, tow-headed children on loan from a Norman Rockwell painting; no need to lock the doors at night or at any other time. Bliss, for sure, but with all the recent Read More

The Ten Commandments are a clusterfuck, badly in need of prioritizing. Does skipping church on Sunday really deserve to be on the same list as killing somebody? Should muttering the occasional “Jesus H. Christ” be mentioned in the same breath as stealing? We say no, goddammit, but let us not judge the 10Cs too harshly. Read More