philmaggitti – Page 5 – postcards from the pug bus

National Irregardless Day

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WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—We fucking love the sound of irregardless. It’s a four-syllable word from the wrong side of the dictionary, we know; but one should never send a three-syllable word to do the work clearly intended for a four-syllable roustabout. Hence irregardless, presented here defiantly without the snooty and

Ass Hats

Whoopi Goldberg Is an Ass Hat for Sure

philmaggitti 434 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—A gay, British, former friend of mine who was active in the animal rights movement … and, some whispered, active in the animal rights “underground” too … hated Whoopi Goldberg. Absolutely hated, despised, shat-upon-spat-upon hatred. Hated her so much that he stooped to hurling an ethnic slur

Saints Alive

St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions

philmaggitti 631 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Saint Theneva of Glasgow was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of god in that enterprise.

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick’s Lockdown Lessons

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I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you’re staying quietly in your rooms, here’s a quiz to keep you amused. C’mon,

Politics

Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

philmaggitti 380 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred

Ass Hats

Van Morrison Is the Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 458 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—That disgusting, little fat-shit Van Morrison, all of 5’5″ in his high-heeled boots, is the Ass Hat of the Moment for September 27. At one time a snot-flinging, curb-biting drunk, Morrison is still such a cunt that he won’t allow people to drink at his “concerts” now

News

NSA Blames Vague Terror Warning on Inability to Decode Pig Latin

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WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning—”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future”—is an “unavoidable function” of the NSA’s “current systemic inability” to decode spoken Pig Latin.

Politics

Math, Gravity, and Speed Limits Reek of White Supremacy

philmaggitti 419 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Brooklyn College Professor of Math Education Laurie Rubel proclaimed recently on Twitter that the mathematical equation 2+2=4 “reeks of white supremacist patriarchy. The idea that math (or data) is culturally neutral or in any way objective is a MYTH.” Professor All Caps, for whom 2+2 has not

Blog

Why I Love the Coronavirus

philmaggitti 472 Views 3 min read

COVID-19 is the gift pandemic that keeps on giving: a gleaming, unforgiving mirror that reflects the foibles, failures, and foolhardiness of the American people in 4K mind-blowing splendor. No one is exempt, Skippy, not republicans, democrats, libertarians, vegans, transvestites, independents, eggheads, skinheads, straights, non-straights (I got your binary, here), cisgenders,

News

New Study Suggests That Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul

philmaggitti 416 Views 1 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study, conducted by a team of researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Social Psychometrics, was designed to replicate a century-old study

Book of Daze

National Schrödinger’s Cat Day Quiz℠

philmaggitti 675 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–There is only one kind of person in the world. He who knows about Schrödinger’s cat, and he who doesn’t. For most of us, however, Schrödinger’s cat is a meme in search of a meaning. Chances are we have seen a reference to this elusive feline somewhere

Book of Daze

National Unbaptize the Dead Day℠

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WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–We take no small measure of joy in knowing there are people in the world quietly going about undoing the work done by others in god’s name. The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) is one such group. We honor them by pausing to observe National

Book of Daze

National Penultimate Day℠

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(Special to the Pug Bus from the Daily Lack of News) WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their

Book of Daze

National Aristocrats Joke Day℠

philmaggitti 546 Views 4 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The most offensive joke in history, “The Aristocrats,” was weaponized in a 2005 documentary film directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, the talking member of Penn and Teller. By then “The Aristocrats” was at least fifty years old, and was a legendary after-hours joke that comedians

U.S. News

Keister Family Tired of Being Butt of Jokes

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LIVONIA, Mich. – Ron and Linda Keister of Livonia have filed a civil suit against their next door neighbor Tim Dryzinski. The Keisters seek $275,000 in damages from Mr. Dryzinski “because he has ignored repeated requests to stop making fun of us and our last name.” The Keisters allege that