Author: philmaggitti

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads’ insistence that conflate means “to confuse,” conflate means “to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one.” A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus’ birth, which are found only in the gospels

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Regarding CBD oil, never has so much been swallowed by so many at such great cost to so little effect. Consequently Postcards from the Pug Bus are urging President Trump to sign an executive order at once making it illegal to manufacture, distribute, house, consume, possess, shelter,

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Celiac disease affects 1 percent of normal Americans. When people with this inherited autoimmune disorder of the small intestine eat bread, pasta, muffins, or other foods containing gluten, their immune systems open up giant-economy-size cans of whup-ass on their persons. It isn’t pretty. It could be fatal.

NEW YORK–Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry, Highlander, and Tundra models. “We have notified these persons by registered mail,” said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pot is dead. Deader than a pile of stinking roaches in a dirty ashtray. Deader than Jerry Garcia. Deader than phone booths or analog clocks, the draft, or smoking on airplanes. Weed is, like, so 1973. So are rolling joints, the Rolling Stones, roach clips, cleaning bongs,

    By Phil Maggitti    Dec 17, 2019 – 4:07         EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Almighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021. “Load management,” a

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Trompe l’oeil (tromp LOY) or “trick of the eye” en français is the technique of using realistic imagery to create an optical illusion of depth and thereby fucking with people’s minds. The term originated with a trickster named Louis-Léopold Boilly (1761-1845), who used it as the title of a painting

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pascal was on to something when he wrote in Pensées, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” That was 349 years ago, Gentle Reader, and people weren’t good at the sitting-quietly thing. Indeed, wrote The Guardian recently, “. . . they’d do

WEST GOSHEN, Pa—If a nation can be judged by what it celebrates, the United States is fucked six ways to Sunday and back. To point a crooked finger at just one of a frightening shitload of days we observe, today is National Gingerbread House Day, according to the wizards at National

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Those fucking soccer moms and their limp-dick, male-pattern-baldness, girly-man, yes-ma’am allies are at it again. Their tiresome crusade to reduce our vibrant, often fractious, melting-pot society to a white-bread, missionary-position-only blandness has resulted in a ban on Four Loko, Cuban cigars, radar detectors, cigarettes, candy cigarettes, foie gras, free speech, lawn

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.—The impact of Friedrich Nietzsche on our times ist überwältigend, so overwhelming, in fact, that it often seems as if there is more than one Nietzsche; and according to The New Yorker, which never settles for one when many will do, there are neun Nietzsche: French, American, pragmatic, analytic, feminist,

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Today we celebrate National Poisoned Cha-Cha Day in memory of that time when the war between the sexes took a turn for the grim. No man worth his Bushy Beavers subscription can forget where he was when he learned that a woman in Sao de Jose Rio Preto, Brazil,

In 2009 when Barack Obama was less happy and way less rich, he warned that “a critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past” was the greatest existential threat facing this country. “The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes