Author: philmaggitti

Baltimore, MD—Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because “evil, evil people in white vans” are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven’t been worn out by prostitution, to

Few activities enrage feminists more than side-saddle riding. We’re talking horses, now, not some perverse spin on scissoring. Feminists of every sort—classic, non-binary, echo [sic], inter sectional, intercollegiate, separatist, and beard wearing—lose their shit at the sight of a female sitting side saddle on a horse, even though The Spectator has declared

The Romans had an expression for it . . . “it” being a foul, snot-flinging, food-showing, ass-kicking mood that envelops a person for no reason. The expression was In lectulo surgens sinistram: He got up on the wrong side of the bed. (When Roman women were in a foul mood, it

Small Town America, who doesn’t love it … or at least the idea of it? Tree-lined streets with a church on every third corner; impish, tow-headed children on loan from a Norman Rockwell painting; no need to lock the doors at night or at any other time. Bliss, for sure,

The Ten Commandments are a clusterfuck, badly in need of prioritizing. Does skipping church on Sunday really deserve to be on the same list as killing somebody? Should muttering the occasional “Jesus H. Christ” be mentioned in the same breath as stealing? We say no, goddammit, but let us not

It’s a 1970s game show, a 1932 movie, and a late 1920s marketing ploy designed to bait people into using more matches. It’s three on a match, that’s what it is, Skippy, and today is its national celebration day. The three-on-a-match superstition—if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same

Al Gore is rightly celebrated as the “father of the Internet,” but few people know that he is also the “father of the toilet cam,” whose praises we sing today. The former vice president confessed at the American Library Association’s (ALA) fall meeting in Boston last week that he invented

Do you remember what you were doing when Beatle George Harrison died eighteen years ago today? Of course not. Most people don’t remember what they were doing when “The Quiet Beatle” was alive. That’s how quiet and in over his head he was. Sure, he’d have made a serviceable rhythm

The never-ending resistance to the nanny state and to soccer moms everywhere is marked by small but sustaining victories. Folding, spindling, or mutilating where prohibited. Sending contraband through the mail. Swapping prices on items in the supermarket. Little things mean a lot. One massive little thing in the war against

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Apple CEO Tim Cook has a major surprise up his sleeve, at very least, as Apple throws its support behind National Butt Plug Day. “The iPlug, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today,” said an inside source at Apple. “Expect Tim to be

WILMINGTON, De.—What better way to observe National Bogus Handicapped Parking Sticker Day than by having lunch at a tony restaurant with a confirmed handicapped-parking-sticker cheat? We’ll call him Ralph. He is one of a notorious breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to

WEST CHESTER, PA—Although we celebrate National Kick the Cat Day, we do not advocate kicking cats literally; and we hasten to assure you that no cats were harmed during the writing of this monograph. We celebrate, instead, the existential notion of “kicking the cat” as a means of relieving stress,

WEST CHESTER, PA—It may be impossible to be too rich or too thin, but it is possible to have too much titty. More than a mouthful is a waste, for sure, and over-endowed women whose bra straps have dug ruts into their shoulders seek more than 90,000 breast reductions each year in