philmaggitti – Page 8 – postcards from the pug bus

The Rolling Stones Should Shrivel Up and Die

philmaggitti 490 Views 3 min read

Dear Mick, Keith, Charlie, and the Other Guy,I have learned recently that you stinking geezers will be touring next year. Please don’t. In the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you sorry git—take a minute to stop and think about what you’re doing. You look like shite; you sound like Read More

Religion Sporting Life

God Drops Carson Wentz from Fantasy Team

philmaggitti 531 Views 2 min read

WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God Almighty is more than a little miffed by Carson Wentz’ three-pick performance in the Eagles 48-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints yesterday. Immediately following the game, the Lord placed Wentz on waivers. “Opey went up in flames like Joan of Arc,” said the Lord. “Three interceptions! He should spend more Read More

Celebrities

Paul McCartney Has Sticker Shock Following Divorce

philmaggitti 412 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, 65, report that he is “near suicidal” over the terms of his divorce settlement with former wife number two, Heather Mills, 40. It isn’t the $49 million buzz-off payment that he’ll miss, say friends, it’s the lifetime handicapped parking sticker that Ms. Mills enjoys as a result of Read More

Sporting Life

O.J. Simpson Arrest Exclusive: Top Ten Reasons If He Did It

philmaggitti 425 Views 2 min read

LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is “really innocent this time,” was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and one count each of armed burglary, conspiracy, and wearing golf shoes in a hotel room. The charges were brought against Read More

Music

Jerry Garcia, Grateful Dead Stash Sells High

philmaggitti 501 Views 3 min read

SAN FRANCISCO – An attic’s worth of memories associated with the Grateful Dead or its leader, Jerry Garcia, fetched high dollar at auction Tuesday. According to Bonhams & Butterfields Auctioneers, enthusiastic Grateful Dead fans, “many of whom appeared to be in an altered state of consciousness,” spent more than $10.1 million for items ranging from Read More

Music

Rod Stewart Sings Frank Sinatra Jr. Songbook

philmaggitti 461 Views 5 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—British rocker Rod Stewart was born seventy-two years ago today. American singer Francis Wayne Sinatra (a/k/a/ “Frank Sinatra Jr”), who died last year at the age of seventy-one, was also born on January 10. To celebrate that coincidence, Mr. Stewart released a free-to-download CD of Frank Jr’s “best loved songs” early this morning—along Read More

Religion

God Throws Shade on Rainbow Bridge Myth

philmaggitti 475 Views 4 min read

HEAVEN – Pet owners took one in the shorts today when The Lord God Almighty issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets “are made young and healthy again” while they wait for their owners to join them. Read More

Culture

San Francisco to Host Young Trannies Beauty Pageant

philmaggitti 451 Views 2 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—On Valentine’s Day the Bay Area Gender Benders will host the first annual JonBenét Ramsey Young Trannies Beauty Pageant. Open to innocent children between the ages of four and eight, the Young Trannies pageant will feature talent, fancy dress, and self-defense competitions. “It’s never too early to foster positive gender images or to let Read More

Culture Religion

Facebook Presents the Twelve Genders of Christmas

philmaggitti 481 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Facebook is a festering boil on the right butt cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving Nancy boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Fuck Bookers forty-nine more gender choices (fifty-on) than they needed (two), Zipper Boy stuffed twenty additional gender choices up the alt-right’s ass. Read More

News

Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day

philmaggitti 405 Views 1 min read

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day. “It’s our version of draining the swamp,” said Mr. Moore. “We call it swamping the drains.” According to Mr. Moore, Read More

Politics

Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars

philmaggitti 399 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—D’Aryll Scott-Jones, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks to National Public Radio’s Terri Gross. “White avatars allow bigoted crackers to spew their venom while hiding in plain sight,” Read More

Innerviews Politics

Barack Obama’s “Other” Half Is a White Nationalist

philmaggitti 471 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his Read More

Politics

Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes

philmaggitti 414 Views 2 min read

Dear Friedrich,I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with a raised-arm salute. I wanted to return her greeting, yet I couldn’t tell whether she had given me a Roman or a Nazi salute, and I didn’t want to commit Read More

U.S. News

Keith Richards Picks Donald Trump in Electoral College Vote

philmaggitti 433 Views 5 min read

NEW YORK—Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when “those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow.” Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years, is famous for a life punctuated by one near-death experience after another. “I Read More

Religion

God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming

philmaggitti 421 Views 2 min read

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his leonine head slowly and continued, Read More