philmaggitti – Page 9 – postcards from the pug bus

BLM Threatens to Disrupt Giants-Lions Game This Sunday

philmaggitti 522 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK—Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday. It’s difficult to imagine Eli Manning “disrespecting” anyone, apart from the New England Patriots in two Super Bowls. Read More

News

Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives

philmaggitti 476 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl clutching and fainting, my fellow Read More

News

WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year

philmaggitti 427 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama. “If there truly is a forgotten man in America today, the white half of Barack Obama is it,” writes Time in Read More

Culture

Neo-Nazi Richard B. Spencer to Grace GQ Cover

philmaggitti 415 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—Richard B. Spencer, who has been called the Golden Boy of the Alt-Right, will adorn the cover of GQ’s February 2017 (Valentine Day) issue. The handsome, natty, and oh-so-controversial Mr. Spencer, who seeks to spread the gospel of white nationalism, is already spreading the gospel that “Neo-Nazis” are a far cry sartorially from their goose-stepping, Read More

Religion

The Nativity Story Is a Pious, Stinking, Goddamn Fraud

philmaggitti 466 Views 8 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Many Christians, especially those who think it their constitutional right to set up a dumb-ass fucking crèche on the courthouse lawn once a year, believe that the four canonical gospels provide consistent versions of the story of Jesus’ birth. Matter of fact, they do not. To begin, Jesus’ birth is described in only Read More

You Can't PhotoShop This

Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil: You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 396 Views 0 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—What’s next? Beef jerky? Cabbage? Toothpaste? Kitty litter? Toilet paper? Condoms? Quiche? Marmite? Sushi? Goulash? Potato chips? Driveway sealer? Edamame? Marijuana? Edible underwear? Fish sticks? Hamburger Helper? Glasses cleaner? Umbles? FYI: According to the Chicagoist, “1996 brings the first reference we can find to pumpkin spice coffee, the beginning of pumpkin spice’s downfall.” © Read More

Sporting Life

Duke University Lacrosse Team Reinstated After Counseling

philmaggitti 452 Views 3 min read

DURHAM, N.C. – Duke University’s men’s lacrosse team has been reinstated after team members found to be deficient in language arts successfully completed mandatory counseling, said university president, Richard Brodhead, yesterday. Mr. Brodhead ordered the counseling two months ago after an e-mail written by sophomore team member Ryan McFadyen, 19, of Mendham, N.J., had been Read More

Sporting Life

NBA To Offer Autistic-Only Bathrooms for 2017 All-Star Game

philmaggitti 443 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association (NBA), bowing to pressure from the radical autism-rights group Autism Speaks (AS), has promised to install “a prorated number” of autism-friendly restrooms at next year’s all star game, “no matter where it’s ultimately played.” The league is already under pressure from LGBTQWERTY groups, who want the game moved from Charlotte, Read More

Sporting Life

Coldplay Criticized for Lily White Super Bowl Message

philmaggitti 432 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK—British musical act Coldplay may have graciously yielded the stage at the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show to Bruno Mars and Beyonce Knowles, but Coldplay’s passive-aggressive civility did not fool all the people even some of the time. “Sure, they let Bey have a few moments on ‘their’ stage,” said Spike Lee, “but like Read More

News

Road Rage Trails in Consumer Reports Survey

philmaggitti 465 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK—When Consumer Reports conducted research for its 2015 road rage survey, published on December 31 last year, the magazine included for the first time questions about other forms of rage that sully our lives. “Road rage gets the headlines because it’s more sexy than other kinds of rage,” said Edward Bennett, CR’s director of consumer research, “but Read More

You Can't PhotoShop This

What Would Nixon Do? You Can’t Photoshop This

philmaggitti 390 Views 1 min read

We were watching the Villanova-Temple game last night, half paying attention to an interview with a former Temple player, half poking around on our tablets, half sucking on a phatty, when what to our wandering eyes should appear but the accompanying image. “Holy fucking shit,” we sputtered, “that’s funny.” Then we got to thinking: what, Read More

Saints Alive

Fabian, Patron Saint of Dove Fanciers

philmaggitti 447 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Fabian d’Fabiano, whose name literally means “Fabian, Son of the Son of Fabian,“ was a poor excuse for an olive farmer, who lived outside Rome. To supplement his pitiful income he raised doves for racing and companionship and, when all else failed, food. In 236 CE—shortly after the tragic yet unforeseen [sic] death Read More

Innerviews

Talking Shit with Clementine the Taco Bell Piggy Bank

philmaggitti 465 Views 4 min read

WEST GOSHEN, PA.—Taco Bell’s current ad touting its breakfast crunch wrap sliders features an elderly piggy bank named Clementine and a young fellow named Mark, with whom the piggy bank has shared a room for roughly a dozen years. We learn during the ad that Clementine has seen Mark, who looks to be about nineteen Read More

Culture

Consumer Reports Road Rage Survey for 2015

philmaggitti 456 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK—According to Consumer Reports 2015 Road Rage Survey, the most likely road rage perpetrator this year was a male between thirty-five and fifty driving a blue, late-model BMW on a Tuesday afternoon at roughly 5:45. This is the second year in row that BMW is the road rage vehicular weapon of choice. Range Rover and Audi Read More

Technology

Hello Barbie Hears All and Tells All

philmaggitti 472 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Something called the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) wants you to know that Hello Barbie™ is the most sordid and contemptible toy ever sold this year. According to CCFC founder, Susan Linn, Hello Barbie™ is “creepy and creates a host of dangers for children and families.” Wondering what could be so terrible Read More