WEST CHESTER, PA—Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his “existential blackness.”
Since then the old white Barry has languished in the basement of Barack Hussein’s psyche like a political prisoner withering away in a secret detention center in a foreign country—until now. Through a back channel operative at Breitbart.com, the Pug Bus was able to score an exclusive interview—nay, the only interview that Barry Obama has ever given.
PUGBUS: What has it been like living in the shadow of your other half?
BARRY: Like a white person trapped in a wanna-be-black, community-organizer’s body.
PUGBUS: Why “wanna-be-black”?
BARRY: You kidding me? Barack’s about as black as Justin Bieber. Mother-fucker grew up in Hawaai. Raised by white grandparents, there. By nature he’s half white, by nurture he’s just about 100 percent vanilla; yet he looks in the mirror and sees Marcus Garvey.
PUGBUS: Why do you think most people refer to Mr. Obama as our nation’s first black president?
BARRY: Because black people were so eager for a hero they hitched their Escalades to his star. Besides, no self-respecting white person is gonna claim Barack Hussein. We’ve got centuries’ worth of mediocre white presidents to chose from. Why claim a biracial dude who doesn’t much like white people.
PUGBUS: Doesn’t like white people?
BARRY: “True dat,” as Barack likes to say.
PUGBUS: Can you give me an example?
BARRY: Have you ever heard him acknowledge me? He made a big show of his devotion to his grandmother because he was after voters suffering from “white liberal woman syndrome.” Whenever he talked about his grandmother, there wasn’t a dry pair of panties in the room. He’s always banging on about America not being over Jim Crow, I’m hoping America will soon be over race baiters like him.
PUGBUS: Did you ever think while you were attending a private high school in Hawaii that you’d be in the White House one day?
BARRY: Hell no. With all the weed we were smoking back then, the big house or the fun house were more likely destinations.
PUGBUS: What do you mean “we,” white man?
BARRY: We were “we” at that time. We did a lot of crazy shit. We drank the bong water. I called him a “jive-ass nigga”; he called me “fucking white devil.” All that was before he kicked me to the curb because I couldn’t help further his mission.
PUGBUS: What was that?
BARRY: It certainly wasn’t the NBA. Affirmative action wasn’t going to help him there. He was second string all the way, but he never met a shot he wouldn’t take. Then as now it was always about him.
PUGBUS: You think the president was helped by affirmative action?
BARRY: I know he was. That’s why he won’t release any transcripts of his grades. He was still too busy smoking weed and chasing white women (about the most black thing he’s done) to worry about his grades after he had hit the mainland. I shouldn’t complain though. It appeals to my sense of irony to have gotten into some fancy schools—because of affirmative action—that I wouldn’t have gotten into otherwise. Sweet.
PUGBUS: You mentioned Breitbart.com ….
BARRY: I love that dude. He saw it all coming. Indeed, he helped make it happen.
PUGBUS: A lot of people think he was a white supremacist.
BARRY: Bullshit. What he was—and what I am, too—is a white nationalist: our people, our culture, our values.
PUGBUS: What?
BARRY: You would be, too, if you had been living under siege like I’ve been. The last straw for me was that cunt Hillary (that’s what Barack calls her in private) and her basket-of-deplorables remark. That’s when I decided to follow Andrew Breitbart’s advice and walk toward the fire.
PUGBUS: This has been most enlightening. Is there anything else you’d like to tell our readers?
BARRY: White genes matter.
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