Baltimore, MD—Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because “evil, evil people in white vans” are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven’t been worn out by prostitution, to Dark Web laboratories.
“We’re getting multiple reports of human monsters in white vans, I’m told, so we have to be really, really careful,” said Mayor Young, according to WBAL-TV. When a reporter asked the mayor who had told him about the human monsters in the white vans, he replied sarcastically, “It’s all over Facebook.”
A CNN report, corroborating Mayor Young’s assertion, located viral postings of the white van narrative, which appeared to have begun with a November 13 Facebook post. In it a Baltimore woman claimed that two men in a white van outside a convenience store “would not stop staring” at her. Those two men were “part of a bigger story,” she wrote. “I don’t think they were two random guys.”
As the predicable backlash occurred—vigilantes in cars spraying white vans with gunfire—Mayor Young reminded his city, “We’re not the Baltimore Bullets any more. Besides, what if there was active, depraved assaults in progress in those vans? If you’re seeing what we’re not saying, put it on Facebook instead.
Next Ellen: Why are no young men being abducted by white vans?
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
