PROVIDENCE, R.I.—Dunkin’ Donuts’ new #blacklivesmatter campaign hit a speed bump after it had been rolled out in Providence, Rhode Island, last Friday. Matter of fact, the campaign hit a police cruiser when a Dunkin’ Donuts employee wrote “#blacklivesmatter” on the side of a patrolman’s coffee cup.
“I paid for that fucking coffee,” said the officer, who is alleged to be white. “If they’re gonna start writing stupid shit on our coffee cups, they ought to go back to giving us coffee and donuts for free. It’s like when you pay for an App for your iPhone, there’s not supposed to be any advertising.”
By “they” the officer meant not only the Dunkin’ Donuts employee, who is allegedly black or who allegedly self-identifies as black, but also the Dunkin’ Donuts Corporation, which is largely Pakistani owned and operated.
Chandor Biadol, CEO for Dunkin’ Donuts USA, admitted that the #blacklivesmatter” campaign had been patterned after Starbucks’ ill-starred yet short-lived move into the discussion of race relations last winter: an ad campaign in partnership with USA Today called “Race Together.”
As part of that clusterfuck, Starbucks actually encouraged baristas to write “Race Together” on cups of beverages and to discuss race with customers. The campaign was chucked away like dead coffee grounds eight weeks later after Starbucks’ customers complained about having to wait too long for their cold-brew-venti-sweetened-no-milk beverages while baristas who were virtually all white talked new-age-diversity crap with customers who were also virtually all white.
“That is like in my country fucking a dead virgin,” laughed Mr. Biadol. “There are far more people in gay-colored-bicycle-drag spandex at Starbucks than in crack-diving hip-hop pants. That last tribe is our peeps. That is why we have made an edgier campaign—#blacklivesmatter.”
The Providence incident, which was sharply criticized by the city’s police union, took place “inside a Dunkin’ Donuts shop on Atwells Avenue,” according to the Providence Journal. Turns out there are two Dunkin’ Donuts outlets on Atwells Avenue: one at 119 Atwells (401-274-1130), the other at 579 Atwells Unit 3 Bldg E (401-751-6688), where there is rumored to be a members-only Starbucks in a utility closet. We provide both locations as a public service to folks planning protests and/or counter-protests at either or both stores.
In related news: WaWa Stores is rumored to be “within days” of launching its #blackcoffeematters campaign, a not-too-subtle shot in the shorts to both Dunkin’ and Starbucks, whose coffee is “badly roasted from bad beans and is just about undrinkable black,” according to a high-placed source at WaWa.
A Northeast regional coffee/sandwich/small grocery/gasoline chain with more than six hundred outlets, WaWa trails Dunkin’ Donuts (more than ten thousand stores in thirty-two countries) and Starbucks (more than seventeen thousand stores in fifty-five countries).
“You might say we’re ‘da niggas’ in the coffee sweepstakes,” said Petiford WaWa Jr., grandson of WaWa founder, Grantland WaWa IV.
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