MALIBU – Spokespersons for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have issued a joint communique denying that their clients are living together. “Despite certain physical evidence that might normally indicate two persons are cohabitating,” the communique began, “Angelina is simply staying with Brad while he continues to recover from his recent life-threatening attack of meningitis. She is not living with him in the biblical sense of the term.”
The notion that Pitt and Jolie are living together biblically has been advanced by stories in US Weekly, Star magazine, and The Wall Street Journal, all of which reported that Jolie had been spotted recently moving some of her belongings—including her two adopted children—into Pitt’s beachfront house in Malibu.
Those reports gained credibility when Star magazine published composite photos of Pitt, Jolie, and her two children shopping at Toys R Us and Bed Bath & Beyond. What’s more, said Star, “we have obtained a notarized copy of a receipt made out to A.J. Voight from Ryder Trucks, Malibu’s most popular large-vehicle rental establishment. ‘A.J. Voight’ is a pseudonym Angelina Jolie often uses when she wants to avoid press scrutiny.”
“Of course she rented a truck,” said Pitt’s publicist Cindy Guagenti. “Did those morons at Star think she was going to schlep her possessions over to Brad’s in the back of her Escalade? And what’s the big deal about Brad and Angelina shopping at Toys R Us and Bed Bath & Beyond? Children need toys and house guests need their own towels. Those kinds of purchases don’t prove anything. Besides, we can show that Angelina paid for four thousand dollars’ worth of toys and three thousand dollars’ worth of towels with her own credit card.”
According to Sharp Singleton, PI, Malibu’s most respected private detective and cohabitation expert, persons who want to maintain the semblance of “staying with as opposed to living with” are careful to pay for their own purchases separately and to maintain separate bank accounts.
“As long as there is no commingling of financial assets,” Singleton told The Malibu Monitor, “people can legally claim there is no commingling of other kinds of assets.” Singleton also pointed out that Pitt and Jolie “only window shopped” at Organized Living in Malibu because purchases there “might reasonably be construed” as proof that the couple was, indeed, living together “in some organized fashion.”
The most convincing proof that Pitt and Jolie are living together comes from The Wall Street Journal‘s lifestyle section. TWSJ obtained an exclusive interview with Tom Yum Koong, a driver for Rave Noodle, Malibu’s trendiest take-away Thai food restaurant. Koong told TWSJ that when he delivered two orders of Pad Ga Prow and one Lemongrass Chicken, children’s portion, to Pitt’s house, Jolie answered the door wearing a monogrammed pajama top bearing Pitt’s initials.
TWSJ also reported that Jolie had visited the Montessori Academy, Malibu’s most prestigious pre-school; and Pitt had recently purchased two season tickets for courtside seats at all Lakers home games—with an option to purchase tickets for playoff games if there are any.
Not to be outdone, US Weekly reported that it had obtained a Home Depot receipt for a hand-tooled brass door knocker inscribed with the word “Bradgelina.” The name on the receipt? A.J.Voight.
Interest in the state of the Pitt-Jolie union is more than idle curiosity, says Singleton. If Pitt’s wife, Jennifer Aniston, can prove that Pitt and Jolie are cohabitating “anywhere within the continental United States” for a period of more than ninety days before the divorce between Pitt and Aniston is final, their prenuptial agreement becomes null and void, and Aniston becomes entitled to half of Pitt’s net worth.
In other news, actor Michael Keaton said he didn’t “give a big rat’s ass” why Lindsay Lohan, his costar in Herbie: Fully Loaded, skipped out on the movie’s premier in London yesterday. Official word is Lohan flew back to the United States to be with her mother for the start of her parents’ divorce proceedings and her mother’s upcoming Playboy spread.
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