NEW YORK – Brad Pitt used the bully pulpit of the Today show to launch his campaign to win People magazine’s Most Annoying Celebrity of 2006 award. In a stunning performance Mr. Pitt served notice that he is a celebrity with whom to be reckoned when it comes to getting on an intelligent person’s last nerve.
While Today‘s Ann Curry looked as if she were being forced to deep throat the Jolly Green Giant in the middle of Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade, Mr. Pitt gushed about the joys of fatherhood; then, as many viewers were struggling to keep their croissants down, he admitted to a case of self-loathing that leads one to suspect we’ll be seeing him on Dr. Phil’s show next.
“Man, I got kids now,” Mr. Pitt began, still talking in character following a photo-op visit to New Orleans. “And it really changes your perspective on the world.”
As insights go, that’s hardly an original, yet Mr. Pitt delivered it with such gee-golly sincerity that it was transformed from a never-challenged platitude into a supremely annoying utterance.
“It completely changes your perspective,” he repeated, lest anyone doubt his sensitivity. “And it certainly takes the focus off yourself, which I’m really grateful for.”
At this point a sentient being could not help wondering, “If this dude’s so keen to take the focus off himself, what the hell’s he doing on the Today show?”
The forty-two-year-old sometime actor was on a roll, however, and there was no time for questions.
“You know,” he continued profoundly, “you can write a book, you can make a movie, you can paint a painting, you can intimidate a foreign country into doing your bidding, but having kids is really the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever taken on. And, man, if I can get a burp out of that little thing, I’ll feel such a sense of accomplishment.”
This last was difficult to credit, coming from a man who had made theaters full of people gag with his performance in Troy, but the sap gene had clearly taken over—the gene that cons parents into believing that no matter how inconsequential their own lives are, they can atone by offering up a child to whatever twisted concept of a god they worship. Salvation through sacrifice, it’s holy way.
“You know, I’ve had my day. I’ve had my day,” said Mr. Pitt twice. “I made some films and I’ve really had a very fortunate life. It’s time for me to share that a bit. I’m so tired of thinking about myself. I’m sick of myself.”
So are we, Brad. So are we.
Mr. Pitt’s performance on the Today show established him as the odds-on favorite to snatch this year’s most-annoying-celebrity prize. His butthole buddy George Clooney seems to lack the requisite fire for the chase, and Bono isn’t as hungry as he used to be. Tom Cruise, as many annoying people do, is morphing into a caricature of himself. Michelle Wie, as annoying as any teenager in the history of the world, is an athlete rather than a celebrity; and the will-he-live-won’t-he-live Barbaro is only a horse, of course.
The prize clearly is Mr. Pitt’s to lose, clearly Mr. Pitt’s to lose.
In other news, President George W. Bush and Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman appeared on the White House lawn today to “reassure the American people” that Israel’s use of U.S.-made fighter planes, combat helicopters, and missiles to kill civilians and destroy Lebanon’s infrastructure does not violate U.S. arms-control laws that forbid the use of such weaponry for any purpose other than self-defense.
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