KENNETT SQUARE, Penna. – Brad Pitt, fresh off his triumph in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, is set to star in a horse opera of another color: the inspiring story of Barbaro, the super horse who captured the lonely eyes of a nation.
Thanks to the vision of Smegma Productions and its founder, Mr. Pitt, Barbaro will be running on Broadway. Mr. Pitt announced yesterday that he will produce, direct, and star in Barbaro the Musical, which is expected to go into rehearsals this winter.
“I want to do this for all the people whose lives have been touched by this magnificent horse,” said Mr. Pitt, “for all the children who go to bed at night snug in their Barbaro pajamas; for all the teenagers with Barbaro ringtones and tattoos; and for all the middle-age women, whether they used to ride English or western, who have turned their homes into Barbaro shrines.”
Mr. Pitt made these remarks during a press conference at Pennsylvania’s New Bolton Center, the large animal hospital where Barbaro staged his valiant race against death, the only foe he could not outrun.
Accompanied by Elton John and Tim Rice, who will craft the music and lyrics for the eighteen songs in Barbaro the Musical, Mr. Pitt noted that Barbaro was “larger than life and even larger in death.”
“Barbaro was truly hung like a horse,” added Mr. John, who was dressed as the world’s portliest jockey in the blue and green colors of Barbaro’s owners, Roy and Gretchen Jackson, and a rainbow of other colors as well.
“He had universal appeal, even to those of us who ride side-saddle,” said Mr. John, slapping a whip against his leg.
Mr. John also revealed that he and Mr. Rice had already completed three songs together: “Cannon in the Wind,” “Wither Thou Goest,” and “Almost Saved My Horse Tonight,” which will be sung by Meryl Streep, who plays Gretchen Jackson in Barbaro the Musical.
Mr. Pitt, who will play Dean Richardson, the surgeon who worked to save Barbaro’s life, said the action in Barbaro the Musical begins two weeks following the horse’s death, “when reports of the first Barbaro sightings began to appear on welovebarbaro.com.” The play will also feature several of the miracles that have been attributed to Barbaro.
In other news, John Mark Karr, self-confessed killer of JonBenet Ramsey, has issued a press release saying that he did not kidnap Madeline McCann, but he might know who did.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
