MALIBU – Britney Spears told child welfare agents that her son’s fall on April 1 was caused by a temporary lack of gravity, which is “emblematic of a larger crisis to come.” The twenty-four-year-old pop star explained that she first learned of “the impending gravity problem” through her studies of Kabbalah, a Jewish mystical tradition.
“Kabbalah teaches us that the world’s supply of gravity is limited,” said Ms. Spears, “and we are depleting that supply at an unconscionable rate. The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in one pop singer’s tour alone uses more gravity than the entire eighteenth century. That’s why I haven’t been on the road in twenty months.”
According to Ms. Spears, Sean Preston’s accident occurred when his nanny was lifting him from his high chair. The nanny playfully tossed Sean Preston into the air. To her dismay the seven-month-old child kept rising until he hit his head on the ceiling and crashed to the floor.
“Fortunately Sean Preston was unhurt, but the incident brought home the gravity of the situation” said Ms. Spears. “Thank god this didn’t happen outdoors.”
Ms. Spears told child welfare agents she was going to replace Sean Preston’s high chair with a low chair, and she was going to take other steps “to gravity proof” her house. Those steps include laying pop-up toasters on their sides, shortening the strippers’ poles in her husband’s recreation room, and wearing a bra at all times.
Sean Preston was examined by a physician the day his accident occurred. The physician said the baby had not been harmed by the fall. Ms. Spears became alarmed over the course of the next few days, however, when Sean Preston began exhibiting noticeable changes in behavior.
“To be candid,” said Ms. Spears, “we had been worried that Sean Preston was short-bus material. He was completely covered with hair until he was three weeks old, and before the gravity accident instead of investigating new objects by putting them in his mouth—as is developmentally appropriate for a baby his age—he stuck them in his ear. After the accident, he started putting things in his mouth.”
In addition, said Ms. Spears, after the accident Sean Preston started turning his head in her direction instead of the opposite direction when she called his name. Fearful that he might have suffered “a cranial insult,” she took him to a local hospital for a checkup.
“I was relieved to learn,” said Ms. Spears, “that the changes in Sean Preston’s behavior were consistent with normal maturational development instead of head trauma. Nevertheless, I still think I’m going to keep him in a helmet for a while.”
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