MALIBU – Britney Spears is broke. Months of non-stop drinking and shopping, coupled with binge eating, purging, and serious brown Persian heroin and cocaine abuse have depleted her resources; and now the former pop star, 25, has finally gone belly up, insiders say.
“Britney just don’t work no more,” said Ms. Spears’ cousin Allie. “I wanted her to hook me up with this dude on the Lakers—I think his father used to be on The Waltons or something—but she totally couldn’t do it. He pretended he didn’t know her. That’s never happened before.”
In the past, Allie explained, “all Britney had to do was snap her fingers, and I could have any guy working in any food court or convenience store, no matter how hot he was. It was awesome.”
Ms. Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynne, echoed that concern, claiming that Britney’s trademark sense of humor has failed her.
“Used to be she could really crack us up,” said the younger Ms. Spears. “If we ran out of movies to watch, she’d get out the camcorder and make these hilarious videos of her belching or passing gas or doing a great imitation of President Bush with a harelip.”
Now, says Jamie Lynn, “Britney’s doing really bad Valley Girl imitations for the paparazzi. Stuff she would have erased and recorded over. I’m worried that something’s gone wrong with her.”
No matter how broke Britney Spears may appear, she insists she’s “not ready for Chapter 8 or a Section 11” yet.
“I’m like totally involved in this, you know, really awesome comeback CD,” she told THEM Weekly. “It’s called The Emancipation of Me-Me, and, ohmygod, it’s so freaking hot it’s gonna make Maria Carey’s comeback look like a turd in a punch bowl. I wrote the songs in rehab, which I’m soooo totally grateful to my manager for making me do.
“So listen up, America, there’s like nothing broke about lil’ ol’ Britney Spears that a few weeks at the top of the charts won’t totally fix.”
Today’s Chuckle: What’s old and wrinkled and smells like Libyan cooking? Paul Wolfowitz’s face.
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