NEW YORK – Lawyers representing the FedEx corporation announced yesterday that they are considering legal action against any member of the press who continues to use the term FedEx in reference to Britney Spears’ estranged husband, dancer-turned-rapper Kevin Federline.
“My company believes it has a strong cease-and-desist case against persons who refer to Mr. Federline as FedEx,” said FedEx’s chief legal counsel Myron Silverman. “As the registered owner of the name FedEx, the FedEx corporation is materially and irrevocably harmed each time a headline such as ‘FedEx Three Hours Late in Chicago’ or ‘FedEx Fails to Deliver the Goods’ appears in the news. How is the average reader to know that FedEx refers to a rap star and not to the world’s leading overnight delivery service?”
The response to FedEx’s announcement was swift, arriving at company headquarters before 10:00 a.m. this morning. Britney Spears, who recently took control of her career by firing her publicity, make-up, and legal staffs, offered to put “a cute but sad smiley face” after Fed Ex every time she uses the term in text messages to friends.
The New York Times, which claims to have coined the term FedEx to refer to Mr. Federline, offered to put “a registered trademark sign” after every reference to FedEx the company not the entertainer.
According to Mr. Silverman, the FedEx corporation is considering these and other solutions to its grievance.
“Whenever we reach a conclusion, the parties involved can expect to hear from us overnight, guaranteed.”
One party from whom FedEx will hear soon is Kevin Federline. Speaking through an attorney, Mr. Federline said he was planning to countersue FedEx and to seek monetary support.
In related news, UPS would neither confirm nor deny a rumor that it is developing an advertising campaign built around headlines such as “FedEx Desperately in Need of Help.”
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