BOCA RATON, Fla. – The National Enquirer‘s chief executive, David Pecker, confirmed that his organ’s British and Irish editions had apologized to Britney Spears for publishing two stories that claimed Ms. Spears and her husband Kevin Federline were getting divorced. The rare apology and retraction came after Ms. Spears had threatened to sue the Enquirer for libel.
According to Mr. Pecker, “The National Enquirer now accepts that Ms. Spears’ unfortunate marriage to known pedophile, sodomite, and thug Kevin Federline is not over and they are not getting divorced even though they would be if Ms. Spears had half a brain in her white trash head.
“The allegations that Ms. Spears is getting divorced are, regrettably, untrue,” Mr. Pecker continued, “even though we have no doubt they will be true after we publish exclusive photos of Mr. Federline shagging Ms. Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynne. Nevertheless, we now accept Ms. Spears’ position, probably on all fours at this stage of her second unplanned pregnancy, that our previous statements were without foundation.
“We apologize for any distress caused to Ms. Spears, who certainly has more than enough to be distressed about, what with her figure and her career being shot to hell and her parents being about to get divorced; and we especially apologize to our readers for raising the false hope that their idol had finally come to her senses and was kicking that ugly, talentless little man to the sewer from whence he sprang.”
Speaking through her Irish attorney, Ms. Spears said she had pursued a libel action overseas “because I am part Irish and because me and Kevin are still in love, even though I move into a hotel with Baby Sean Preston and his male nanny every few weeks.”
In related news, Lindsay Lohan said she is considering her own suit against the National Enquirer over its recent article “Lindsay Lohan’s Four-Man-a-Day Habit.”
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