HOLLYWOOD – Britney Spears’ obsession with the late Princess Diana, which has worried the singer’s friends for some time, became public knowledge last week when Ms. Spears told People magazine, “The paparazzi killed Princess Di, and they’re fixin’ to kill me next.”
According to a close friend, Ms. Spears’ obsession with Princess Diana began last summer when Ms. Spears read The Murder Of Princess Diana by Noel Botham.
“It was all she could talk about for weeks,” said the friend. “By the time Sean Preston was born, Britney was buying Princess Di memorabilia on eBay like there was no tomorrow.”
Eventually Ms. Spears had acquired so much Princess Di kitsch that she had one of the several rec rooms in her Malibu mansion converted into a Princess Di museum, much to the consternation of Ms. Spears’ husband Kevin Federline Spears.
“That was one of my favorite spots to kick back and popozao with some of my boys and, once in a while, a stripper or two,” Mr. Spears told Architectural Digest. “I was like really pissed when my old lady took out the stripper’s pole in that room. I had some good times around that thing.”
By Christmas such was Ms. Spears’ devotion to the memory of the Princess of Wales that she walked right past the Kabbalah room and the Hindu room in her mansion without so much as a look in. About that time Ms. Spears’ weight started to balloon as a consequence of slathering HP sauce on all her food and devouring bag after bag of imported pork scratchings.
“For a while there Britney looked liked the Princess of Whales,” said one of Ms. Spears’ live-in cousins, who did not want to be identified. “She insisted on eating shepherd’s pie at least three times a week, and she even asked her favorite restaurants to put fish and chips on their menus.”
Ms. Spears’ anglophilia soon extended to her speech patterns. She tried mightily to acquire a British accent. Unfortunately, she used the hucksters on infomercials as her models, and she came out sounding more Cockney than posh. Undaunted, she began calling french fries “chips” and potato chips “crisps.” Her car hood became a “bonnet,” and instead of saying she was “turned on” by something, she was now “right chuffed.”
“We don’t know what the hell she’s talking about half the time,” said her cousin. “Back home in Louisiana we got a saying, ‘Just because you put a tuxedo on a skunk, don’t mean he ain’t gonna stink.'”
Ms. Spears obsession with Princess Diana finally became public last week after she had been photographed driving with her son, Sean Preston, on her lap—without the benefit of any sort of restraint. The pop princess told reporters she didn’t have time to buckle up because she was fleeing the pushy paparazzi and she feared for her life.
Privately, Ms. Spears’ friends fear for her sanity.
“She was telling me the other day that Kevin behaves the way he does because he’s the sixty-first cousin of Prince Charles,” said Ms. Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynn. “She really freaked me out when she said she was thinking of contacting Elton John and asking him to rewrite ‘Tiny Dancer’ for her so it could be played at her funeral. But the last straw was when she fired all her help, replaced them with Brits, and ordered them to dress like the staff in Grosford Park.
In other news, fourteen persons attending a bachelor party in Detroit were sickened after watching the new Kid Rock-Cheryl Crow party video.
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