LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears and K-tel Entertainment announced today that Ms. Spears’ Twelve Days of Christmas CD is now available in most national discount store chains. This pop-disco-devotional work, which will not be sold via television, explores the hidden meanings of the haunting Twelve Days of Christmas carol.
“We wanted to do something meaningful and danceable at the same time,” said Ms. Spears.
If the liner notes explaining the symbolism of the twelve tracks on the CD are any indication, Ms. Spears has bitten off more than anybody but she can chew. Each of the dozen songs on the CD deconstructs one of the Twelve Days of Christmas gifts, stripping it bare and revealing its essence.
A Partridge Family Christmas—In this midtempo reggae number the partridge is a symbol for people who worship at the altar of glowing hair. The pear tree is associated with child actors and bubble-gum music. These qualities are identified, not surprisingly, with the Partridge family.
When Doves Cry Wolf—A pedal steel guitar makes a lonesome sound as Britney sings about “pulling the lever on the Great Slot Machine of Life.” If the two turtle doves came up laughing, you will be the laughingstock of your neighborhood or you’ll get married on a whim in Las Vegas or both.
The Freedom Hens Carol—This hillbilly romp plays to Red State sensibilities when it calls French hens Freedom hens instead. The Freedom hens are supposed to be symbols of a refined taste and sensibility, but they are “so stuck on themselves they squeak.”
A Colly Bird in My Bush—In this naughty disco number straight from the Donna Summer songbook, the four colly birds are an obvious reference to a viral, airborne STD transported by the Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse—Brandon, Tara, Lindsay, and Paris.
These Five Rings from the Orient Are—A power ballad in which the five golden rings symbolize the “[messed] up” state of matrimony, especially in Hollywood, where “some people can get married five times and still not get it right.”
Dead Geese Roasting on an Open Fire—A light-hearted twist on the Nat King Cole favorite. The six geese a-laying, in addition to making a fine banquet, are a portent of prosperity and, according to people who believe in intelligent design, a reference to the six days of creation.
A Skinny-Dipping Christmas—With tongue planted slyly in cheek, Britney sings about the wages of promiscuity in celebrity culture. The seven swans a-swimming suggest that you can’t cure what ails you simply by going for a dip “in Paris’ heated pool.”
Hark the Herald Milk Maids Swing—In a six-minute tour de force Britney weaves the sordid story of Eight Maids A-milking. This Bakersfield-based square dance team sacrifice their individuality while trying to live up to a squeaky-clean image that appeals to people who entertain fantasies about life in a simpler America that no longer exists.
Drummer Boy Rock—For most people nine drummers drumming signify an abnormal interest in militarism, conformity, and martial music. For Britney, however, it’s the tenth drummer, commonly known as the different drummer, whose rhythms set the pace for the music in her soul.
Rockin’ around the Stripper’s Pole—The one song on this CD that seems to be about Britney’s unfortunate marriage. The ten ladies dancing appear every day from noon until three at Big Al’s Diamond Cabaret and Lounge in Oxnard. In this flat-out rocker, Britney comes home one night to find two of the ladies working out on the stripper pole in her “old man’s rec room.”
It Came Upon a Midnight Piper—Paris Hilton sings backup on this dance-trance number about the eleven pipers piping, who are cake decorators in an erotic bakery. Could Britney be singing about her sweet tooth and her tendency to put on weight easily? Or is she singing about her well-known fondness for sweets as a sexual aid?
I Saw Your Mother Doing Santa Claus—On this rap number, which many will interpret as an attempt to show up Kevin Federline, Britney trades rhymes with Jay Z. Their interaction mimics the twelve lords a-leaping, a symbol of the dozens, a ghetto exercise in which participants say vile and detestable things about other participants’ mothers.
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