MALIBU – Britney Spears has thrown her weight behind a national initiative to restrict driving privileges for sixteen-
year-olds. The once-and-future mother announced yesterday that she is “like totally in favor of” laws that restrict sixteen-
year-old drivers from carrying passengers, driving while eating a sandwich, and driving while having sex, including oral sex, which many teenagers and one former president do not consider sex.
“Even if somebody’s giving you an oral low five, you should signal a turn and pull off the road safely,” said the “Ooops I Did It Again” singer, who plans to drive across the United States with her son, Sean Preston, next month to publicize her campaign. During her odyssey, Ms. Spears will visit roadside memorials dedicated to sixteen-year-olds who died behind the wheel. Her trip is being underwritten by Vermont Teddy Bears and FTD florists.
Ms. Spears’ announcement reflects her determination to find a cause she can use to create a more socially conscious profile, a cause she can get her mind around.
“Brit’s no dummy,” said a source close to the singer. “She knows what she doesn’t know, which is a lot. That’s why you won’t hear Brit spouting all kinds of statistics about babies dying in Third World countries the way Angelina Jolie does.”
If Ms. Spears does know one thing, the source continued, “it’s driving.” As Ms. Spears explained to Matt Lauer on the Today show recently, she has been driving since she was six.
Blessed with that heritage and strengthened by a mother wit unencumbered by information, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that a cause not only covers a multitude of sins but also sets her apart from other celebrities of her generation such as Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Mischa Barton, and Paris Hilton—all of whom appear to define charity as overtipping the parking attendants at The Ivy.
In other news, President George W. Bush announced this morning that he will invoke executive privilege if necessary to employ force feeding as a means of bringing to an end the hunger strike for peace launched yesterday in front of the White House.
“In a nation of plenty, especially during a time of war, no one should be allowed to go hungry by choice,” said the president. “If we deny ourselves food, the terrorists win.”
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