HOLLYWOOD – Britney Spears, not content to let her sister, Jamie-Lynn, break the news that Britney is due to give birth to her first baby in September, announced yesterday that the birth will be televised on a special two-hour live segment of her reality show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Spears told reporters that she was “taking this high-risk artistic move in an effort to claim ownership of our own miracle.”
“Rather than allowing the False Tabloids? to control and distort the coverage of this unique event,” said Spears, “we have decided to provide our fans with the actual raw, maybe even yucky, footage and let them come to their own conclusions.”
Spears’ publicist, Sonia Muckle, immediately praised the decision for its courage and artistic daring.
“This is an Emmy-worthy innovation,” said Muckle. “No artist but Britney would have the courage to be this vulnerable.”
Officials at Viacom—the eight-hundred-pound entertainment gorilla that owns the UPN Network, MTV, and Comedy Central, among other properties—were predictably delighted by Spears’ announcement.
“We expect ad revenues for this unprecedented live event to reach Super Bowl proportions,” said Viacom chairman and CEO, Sumner Redstone. “Britney is capable of delivering not only a baby girl but also the coveted thirteen-to-seventeen-year-old-male demographic like no other performer, pregnant or otherwise.”
Redstone was quick to point out that Spears’ delivery would be handled “entertainingly, not like some dull educational production on the Discovery Channel.” The Kevin Federline Dancers will open and close the show. MTV news correspondent and hip-hop artist Sway Calloway will handle play-by-play announcing. Color commentary will be provided by The Daily Show‘s host, Jon Stewart. Paris Hilton has been signed to do roving interviews outside the CBS studio where the delivery will take place.
“With a lineup like that, the show will be a smash even if the baby’s born with a club foot,” joked comedienne and fashionista Joan Rivers. After making a tasteless comment about finding out whether Britney is a real blonde, Rivers added, “I pity the person who has to do the makeup and comb-out for that gig.”
In addition to being covered live no matter when it occurs, Spears’ delivery will go into heavy rotation on MTV, VH-1, Comedy Central, and The Sundance Channel.
In other news, the White House announced yesterday that it has entered into talks with UPN regarding a proposed reality show called First Twins, starring President Bush’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara. The White House denied, however, that the show is an attempt to shore up the president’s sagging popularity.
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