WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Bush administration put a positive spin on Iraqi lawmakers’ failure to agree on a draft charter of a new constitution by yesterday’s midnight deadline. President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice all praised Iraqi lawmakers for including a statue defining marriage as the union between one man and one woman in the yet-to-be-completed constitution.
While conceding that the inclusion of the statue “probably contributed” to the lawmakers’ failure to meet the midnight deadline, President Bush said the delay “will be worth the wait” in the long run.
“If our founding fathers had demonstrated the same foresight as these folks,” said President Bush, “the United States would be a better place to live in today.”
The White House had been working quietly behind the scenes to get the marriage definition included in the Iraqi constitution ever since Iraqi voters who went to the polls on January 30 appeared to vote overwhelmingly in favor of a referendum legalizing gay marriage in their country. Following the election, Ari Ur Anus-muhkti, leader of the Baghdad chapter of Act Up, gloated, “All over Iraq people laugh and show their butts at the American donkey in chief.
“Getting the referendum on the ballot was like giving candy to a baby,” Ur-Anus-muhkti told a San Francisco Chronicle reporter who had been embedded with Act Up in Baghdad for weeks.
“Everybody was so afraid of the insurgents that quorum regulations were suspended for ballot initiative meetings. We were able to sneak the referendum in through the back door by packing those meetings with our supporters.”
Although the White House maintained an official silence regarding the gay marriage referendum, sources close to the president privately worried that it could decimate troop strength.
“Openly gay people can’t serve in the military,” said one presidential advisor, “and what’s more openly gay than two guys in fatigues exchanging wedding vows in Baghdad to a recording of Cat Stevens singing ‘Morning Has Broken?'”
News of the referendum’s passage was greeted in January with shouts and gunfire by American troops in Iraq, many of whom had long since realized they had been sent on a fool’s errand.
“I never thought I’d see this day,” said staff sergeant Leroy Neighbors at the Christopher Street compound near Baghdad. “My buddy Spence and I plan to hit the Baghdad Ministry of Weddings as soon as the new constitution is ratified. We’re going to become the new coalition of the willing.”
Reaction to the acceptance of the marriage definition clause was mixed in the United States. Former presidential candidate John Kerry called it “the right move, for right country, at the right time. I would have no trouble voting for or against this provision.”
Senator Bill Frist (R-TN), who recently broke ranks with Christian conservatives regarding stem cell research, continued his trend to the left by saying in a press release, “People who are sent to fight and perhaps die for their country should have the option of marrying whomever they please, at least while they’re in uniform.”
In other news, two members of the Fox Network’s legal team that found Paula Abdul not guilty of improper behavior with American Idol contestant Corey Clark now say they believe Abdul “was probably guilty of something.”
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