WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and unprecedented move the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $22.5-million lawsuit against Jenna and Barbara Bush. The Bush twins, 25, are accused of downloading more than twenty thousand music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Shareaza.
“We filed this suit to show music pirates that no one is above the law,” said RIAA chairman and CEO, Mitch Bainwol. “We’ve been tracking the activities of the twins for some time now,” he added. “You can run but you can’t hide, not even in Argentina.”
Reaction from the first family was swift. “I’ll rip that cracker’s head off and piss down his neck,” snarled First Grandmother Barbara Bush. “Obviously that needle dick is tired of suing the daughters of chambermaids and settling for $3.87, so he’s decided to go after somebody with real money.”
The president’s reaction, though less colorful than his mother’s, was no less decisive.
“I have added RIAA to the Axis of Evil, and I will treat their nation accordingly,” said Mr. Bush.
Swapping files under the username YaYaTwins, the Bush sisters amassed the largest collection of pirated music of anyone yet targeted by the RIAA. According to a source who described himself as “a close drinking buddy” of the twins, “They’ve got a hot collection—Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Hilary Duff, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Clay Aiken, Ashlee Simpson, Nick Lachey, and all kinds of cutting-edge acts. If you saw the girls namecheck Outkast at the Republican convention in 2004, you know what kind of street cred they’ve got.”
This is not the first time the Bush twins have run afoul of the law. In May 2001, Jenna, the one who looks like Janis Joplin, was caught using a fake ID to buy a drink. After paying a $100 fine and taking alcohol-awareness classes, she was nabbed again. (Perhaps she should have taken narc-awareness classes.) Her second offense cost her $500, and her license was suspended.
When the twins were in high school, Jenna was voted “most likely to trip on prom night.” Barbara, the one who looks like Damien’s evil nanny in The Omen, was voted “most likely to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a $35,000 dress paid for by one of her father’s political cronies.”
Next Oprah: Twins who share the same lovers.
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