PHILADELPHIA – Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute’s, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.Mr. Bynum, 25, has not been able to practice–much less sit for long periods of time–since joining the Sixers in August. He watches most practices while lying on a custom made futon. Thus there was some concern that the 7’1″ 285-pound Bynum might not be ready to join his teammates for their opening game, but when the Sixers were introduced last night, Mr. Bynum strode onto the court in a fly-looking olive-brown-pants-and-matching-vest combo and planted his two-time all-star gluteus maximi on the far end of the Sixers bench.
“It was so good to see Andrew out there,” said shooting guard Nick Young. “The big fella takes up space like few dudes in the league. He makes all the players around him better when he’s on the bench.”
“You’d never know that [Mr. Bynum] missed all our preseason games,” added Sixers small forward Evan Turner. “He was in midseason form already.”
Just past the eight-minute mark in the first quarter, having watched his team take an early lead, Mr. Bynum retired to the locker room to have an MRI on his left knee, which had swollen hideously while he was on the bench.
Mr. Bynum left the court to chants of MVP, MVP. He did not return, but Sixers head coach, Doug Collins, told reporters after the game that Mr. Bynum’s injury was not related to the chronic knee problem that he had treated with injections of goat semen in Germany in September. Nor was it related to the bone bruise Mr. Bynum suffered when he dropped his cell phone on his right knee after attempting to sit up during a recent Sixers practice.
“Andrew’s such a warrior,” said Coach Collins. “He told me after the game that he still plans to be able to sit on the bench in uniform soon. He also told me that if this had been a playoff game, he could have stayed on the bench the entire first half.”
In related news: Sixers doctors say there is still no timetable for when Mr. Bynum will be able to sit on the bench for back-to-back games.
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