HOLLYWOOD – Cameron Diaz filed a multi-
million-dollar lawsuit against the KFC corporation in Los Angeles superior court. The suit alleges that Diaz developed flulike symptoms after eating a three-piece, leg-and-thigh, extra-crispy dinner earlier this month. Also named in the suit is the KFC outlet on Rodeo Drive, where Diaz purchased the dinner at the take-out window.
According to Diaz’ publicist, Geoff Rankin, his client was stricken with acute gastrointestinal distress, flatulence, cramps, projectile vomiting, and a runny nose immediately after consuming the chicken she had purchased from KFC.
“Ms. Diaz had to cancel four social engagements and to curtail her Christmas shopping as a consequence of her condition,” said Rankin.
Colonel Elton Mustard, spokesman for KFC, dismissed Diaz’ charges as frivolous and “a blatant attempt at extortion.”
Mustard maintains that Diaz suffered from nothing more serious than a mild case of food poisoning.
“Hell, if people filed multi-million-dollar lawsuits every time they got the two step after eating one of our meals, we’d be out of business,” said Colonel Mustard.
Mustard offered Diaz a complimentary dinner for two at any KFC in the United States in return for dropping her suit. He also declared that his company was prepared to call in medical experts to contest Diaz’ claim.
Daresh Cheeptok, general medical consultant for the World Avian Flu Society, said that Diaz’ symptoms did not appear to be consistent with the human cases of bird flu his organization has studied.
“To begin,” said Cheeptok, “the initial symptoms of the virus do not appear until at least forty-eight hours after eating contaminated chicken. Those symptoms include pecking madly at food, flapping both arms violently, and crowing in a loud, screeching voice—none of which Diaz reported experiencing. Neither did she run around like a chicken with her head cut off or drop to the ground with her legs sticking straight up in the air.”
What’s more, said Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona, M.D., F.A.C.S., H.M.F.I.C., the seventeenth surgeon general of the United States, the Bird Flu virus can be contracted not only from eating contaminated chicken but also from exchanging bodily fluids with an infected individual before that individual becomes symptomatic.
Linton Edwards, chief legal counsel for KFC, warned that Diaz “had better be prepared to answer some embarrassing personal questions about her sex life” if she insists on pursuing legal remedies instead of accepting the settlement KFC offered her.
In July, Diaz, 32, bitch slapped two legal opponents silly. London’s tabloid conscience, The Sun, agreed to pay Diaz “substantial” damages for falsely reporting that she had had an affair with a married man who is the father of a one-year-old daughter. The Sun‘s article was touted by a catchy headline, “Diaz Drops Knickers for Nickerson,” which appeared on the tabloid’s front page on May 12 this year.
Having gotten its readers attention, The Sun reported that Diaz and Shane Nickerson, a producer of Diaz’ MTV show, Trippin’, had been caught “having a three-minute snog” in the bushes behind a Santa Monica House of Pancakes. At the time of the alleged snogging, Diaz’ current boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, 24, was in hospital for a throat operation.
Only three days before she eclipsed The Sun, Diaz had prevailed in court over John Rutter, a photographer who had taken topless photos of Diaz twelve years ago and then attempted to sell them back to her for $3.5 million. Rutter was convicted of forgery, attempted grand theft, and perjury and was sentenced to prison.
Next Oprah: My Grandmother’s Prize-Winning Fried Chicken Recipe
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