Book of Daze

Book of Daze

National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day℠

James Carville described Pennsylvania as “Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in between.” Living just far enough west of Philadelphia to witness the truth of Mr. Carville’s observation, we are not surprised that today is National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day, sponsored by DAMM Pennsylvania. Headquartered somewhere in the Keystone State’s Read More

Book of Daze

National Pardon Yourself Day

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Everyone, it seems, has an opinion regarding a president’s authority to pardon himself for wrong doings of a pardonable sort.  Ever the contrarians, we do not have an opinion in this regard. Lucky you. We do, nevertheless, believe that pardons, by whomever they are issued, resemble charity: they ought to begin and Read More

Book of Daze

National Debunking the Nativity Scene Day℠

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads’ insistence that conflate means “to confuse,” conflate means “to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one.” A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus’ birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and Read More

Book of Daze

National Ban CBD Forever Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Regarding CBD oil, never has so much been swallowed by so many at such great cost to so little effect. Consequently Postcards from the Pug Bus are urging President Trump to sign an executive order at once making it illegal to manufacture, distribute, house, consume, possess, shelter, or talk about in public Read More

Book of Daze

National Driver Recall Day℠

NEW YORK–Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry, Highlander, and Tundra models. “We have notified these persons by registered mail,” said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel at Read More

Book of Daze

National Pot Is Dead Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pot is dead. Deader than a pile of stinking roaches in a dirty ashtray. Deader than Jerry Garcia. Deader than phone booths or analog clocks, the draft, or smoking on airplanes. Weed is, like, so 1973. So are rolling joints, the Rolling Stones, roach clips, cleaning bongs, drinking the bong water, burning Read More

Book of Daze

National Load-Managing Jesus Day℠

    By Phil Maggitti    Dec 17, 2019 – 4:07         EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Almighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021. “Load management,” a clumsy yet ineffective synonym for Read More

Book of Daze

National Trompe-l’œil Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Trompe l’oeil (tromp LOY) or “trick of the eye” en français is the technique of using realistic imagery to create an optical illusion of depth and thereby fucking with people’s minds. The term originated with a trickster named Louis-Léopold Boilly (1761-1845), who used it as the title of a painting he exhibited in the Paris Read More

Book of Daze

National Enough with All the Hugging Already Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pascal was on to something when he wrote in Pensées, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” That was 349 years ago, Gentle Reader, and people weren’t good at the sitting-quietly thing. Indeed, wrote The Guardian recently, “. . . they’d do almost anything else: play boules, Read More

Book of Daze

National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Those fucking soccer moms and their limp-dick, male-pattern-baldness, girly-man, yes-ma’am allies are at it again. Their tiresome crusade to reduce our vibrant, often fractious, melting-pot society to a white-bread, missionary-position-only blandness has resulted in a ban on Four Loko, Cuban cigars, radar detectors, cigarettes, candy cigarettes, foie gras, free speech, lawn darts, and more.       Read More

Book of Daze

National Ask Nietzsche Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.—The impact of Friedrich Nietzsche on our times ist überwältigend, so overwhelming, in fact, that it often seems as if there is more than one Nietzsche; and according to The New Yorker, which never settles for one when many will do, there are neun Nietzsche: French, American, pragmatic, analytic, feminist, gay, black, environmentalist, and proto-fascist. Read More

Book of Daze

National Poisoned Cha-Cha Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Today we celebrate National Poisoned Cha-Cha Day in memory of that time when the war between the sexes took a turn for the grim. No man worth his Bushy Beavers subscription can forget where he was when he learned that a woman in Sao de Jose Rio Preto, Brazil, had tried to kill her Read More

Book of Daze

Beware National White Van Day℠

Baltimore, MD—Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because “evil, evil people in white vans” are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven’t been worn out by prostitution, to Dark Web laboratories. “We’re getting Read More