Book of Daze

Book of Daze

Observe National Side Saddle Day, Enrage a Feminist℠

Few activities enrage feminists more than side-saddle riding. We’re talking horses, now, not some perverse spin on scissoring. Feminists of every sort—classic, non-binary, echo [sic], inter sectional, intercollegiate, separatist, and beard wearing—lose their shit at the sight of a female sitting side saddle on a horse, even though The Spectator has declared it “practical, fashionable … and Read More

Book of Daze

National Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife Day℠

The Ten Commandments are a clusterfuck, badly in need of prioritizing. Does skipping church on Sunday really deserve to be on the same list as killing somebody? Should muttering the occasional “Jesus H. Christ” be mentioned in the same breath as stealing? We say no, goddammit, but let us not judge the 10Cs too harshly. Read More

Book of Daze

National Three on a Match Day℠

It’s a 1970s game show, a 1932 movie, and a late 1920s marketing ploy designed to bait people into using more matches. It’s three on a match, that’s what it is, Skippy, and today is its national celebration day. The three-on-a-match superstition—if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same match, the third soldier on Read More

Book of Daze

Smile, It’s National Toilet Cam Day℠

Al Gore is rightly celebrated as the “father of the Internet,” but few people know that he is also the “father of the toilet cam,” whose praises we sing today. The former vice president confessed at the American Library Association’s (ALA) fall meeting in Boston last week that he invented the toilet cam and that Read More

Book of Daze

National Dead Beatle Day #2℠

Do you remember what you were doing when Beatle George Harrison died eighteen years ago today? Of course not. Most people don’t remember what they were doing when “The Quiet Beatle” was alive. That’s how quiet and in over his head he was. Sure, he’d have made a serviceable rhythm guitarist, but John Lennon was Read More

Book of DazePolitics

National Wishbone Day, the Woke Person’s Thanksgiving℠

What we casually refer to as Thanksgiving should properly be called You’re on Indian Land Day; but who wants to put up with drunken relatives, tryptophan poisoning, holiday traffic, shitty football, and severe gastric distress to celebrate a land grab that doesn’t merit celebrating? Let’s talk about wishbones instead. Their story is less freighted. There’s a wishbone offense Read More

Book of Daze

National Seat Belt Alarm Silencer Day℠

The never-ending resistance to the nanny state and to soccer moms everywhere is marked by small but sustaining victories. Folding, spindling, or mutilating where prohibited. Sending contraband through the mail. Swapping prices on items in the supermarket. Little things mean a lot. One massive little thing in the war against those who would tell us Read More

Book of Daze

National Bogus Handicapped Parking Sticker Day℠

WILMINGTON, De.—What better way to observe National Bogus Handicapped Parking Sticker Day than by having lunch at a tony restaurant with a confirmed handicapped-parking-sticker cheat? We’ll call him Ralph. He is one of a notorious breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally is a Read More

Book of Daze

Celebrating National Blivit Day℠

WEST CHESTER, PA—Today our divided nation unites in the observation of National Blivit Day. According to Reader’s Digest, where blivit first appeared in a 1945 column called “Humor in Uniform,” a blivit was originally defined as “ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.” The bag, either cloth or paper, was used by flyers to dispose of #2, Read More

Book of Daze

National Earworm Day℠

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Before we fusilade the fireworks in celebration of National Earworm Day, we must observe that said day is the only national day (so far) to have it own patron saint. That’s right all Catholic, Anglican, and Lutheran boys and girls suffering from an earworm, a scrap of a song that gets stuck in Read More