Celebrities

NEW YORK – Scarlett Johansson’s ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them. Scarlett Johansson: My Life, My CardName . . . Scarlett Johansson Born . . . November 22, 1984 Sign . . . gluteus maximus rising Childhood ambition . . . to have a really great ass Read More

LONDON – Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, 65, report that he is “near suicidal” over the terms of his divorce settlement with former wife number two, Heather Mills, 40. It isn’t the $49 million buzz-off payment that he’ll miss, say friends, it’s the lifetime handicapped parking sticker that Ms. Mills enjoys as a result of Read More

HOLLYWOOD – In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes’ 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work will begin soon on a major project—turning Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote into an action movie. “Tom really digs the parallels between Read More

NEW YORK – Gwyneth Paltrow is scheduled to take her campaign for breast-correction surgery to the United Nations next week. There the maven of GOOP will address the U.N.’s Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. She is expected to announce her plans to raise money to provide free corrective surgery for women in Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison. We’re not certain whether this is Orca Girl’s fifth, sixth, or tenth weight-loss program, Read More

LOS ANGELES – Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States. Ms. Theron made that pledge after GLAAD had presented her with the Manguard award, a prestigious, yet lighthearted, honor given Read More

LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen is “a person of interest” in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen’s Hollywood home yesterday afternoon. When Mr. Sheen reported the car Read More

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some. Read More

 HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me.” Before leaving Twitter, Ms. Read More

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled “Jennifer Lopez on All Fours,” will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines. “We are Read More

LOS ANGELES – Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut on CoLoursTV this fall. “The Fresh Prince of D.C. will present a warm, comedic look at the adventures of the first black family Read More

LOS ANGELES – Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Acme Doll Company. “It’s too early to say if the Chris Brown doll is a suspect in this case,” Read More

BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings. Listed on eBay’s wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating Read More

BUMFUCH, La. – Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there’s anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old. “I’ll Read More