Celebrities

NAMIBIA – Unable to convince Angelina Jolie to become his wife, Brad Pitt has settled for becoming her bitch instead. Mr. Pitt’s transformation from leading man to nanny began on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith nearly two years ago, according to friends of the couple. “It’s been a gradual process,” said one friend, “but nobody Read More

NEW YORK – Hundreds of people, some of them in wheelchairs and on crutches, lined up outside Madame Tussauds early this morning. They had come from as far away as New Jersey and Pennsylvania in response to rumors of miraculous cures effected by the recently unveiled Lindsay Lohan wax figure. “My girlfriend April went to Read More

MALIBU – Britney Spears told child welfare agents that her son’s fall on April 1 was caused by a temporary lack of gravity, which is “emblematic of a larger crisis to come.” The twenty-four-year-old pop star explained that she first learned of “the impending gravity problem” through her studies of Kabbalah, a Jewish mystical tradition. Read More

JOHANNESBURG – Angelina Jolie quit Paris for Namibia last week in the latest exhibition of what National Geographic calls pre-partum nesting behavior. Ms. Jolie, who is due to deliver a baby in mid-May, has been scurrying from one location to another recently as she attempts to find a safe, comfortable spot in which to birth her child. Read More

CHICAGO – Art imitates Jennifer Aniston for the erstwhile Friends star in her latest vehicle, Friends with Money. The movie, which played to a packed house at Sundance this year, not only references the television vehicle that brought Ms. Aniston stardom but also exploits her current persona as a woman wronged. When the movie opens, Ms. Aniston’s character, Read More

MALIBU – Happy fifteen, Lil’ Sis. Can you believe it? Fifteen already? Before ya know it, yule be married with a husband and a baby of yore own to support. Ha, ha. If that don’t make you wish you were fifteen again, nothing will. In the meantime, Lil’ Sis, don’t take anything for granite. Live Read More

BERLIN – Scientologist Tom Cruise flew to Germany a few days ago to announce that he and his pregnant fiancee, Katie Holmes, would be married this summer. Mr. Cruise told Bild, a German newspaper, that he “won’t let this woman get away,” which is something of an understatement as Ms. Holmes has been microchipped like a Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Jessica Simpson stumbled over the first hurdle in her quest to adopt a Mexican baby. The singer-actress was able to answer only one out of eleven questions correctly on a preliminary adoption assessment form. The average score is 6.5. The passing grade is negotiable. A spokesperson for Ms. Simpson said she hopes to Read More

NEW YORK – Batman star George Clooney has been accused of making hundreds of “childish and annoying phone calls” to the office of Gawker.com, the website that publishes detailed information about celebrity sightings in Manhattan. According to Gawker.com editor, Jessica Coen, who made the accusation, the calls began last Friday after Mr. Clooney had suggested that celebrities’ Read More

NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell says it was all a misunderstanding. The four-stitch head wound suffered yesterday by her housekeeper, Ana Scolavino, occurred during secret rehearsals for the new reality show Campbell’s Soup, not in a fit of rage, as newspapers are reporting. “I expect to be completely vindicated,” said Ms. Campbell, 35, as she emerged Read More

MALIBU – For the second time today Britney Spears has taken to her website to denounce sculptor Daniel Edwards, this time for making her butt look fat. Mr. Edwards, who has never met Ms. Spears, allegedly used photos of her as the inspiration for his latest work, “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston.” Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, Brokeback Mountain, and Britney Spears all made statements yesterday. We thought you’d like to know, and even if you pretend you wouldn’t, we’re going to tell you anyway. Mr. Cruise said recent stories that Katie Holmes will be expected to remain quiet when she gives birth to Hubbard Mapother Cruise are Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – A Jennifer Lopez fan site has been accused of plagiarism by Postcards from the Pug Bus editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, who alleges that the fan site “ripped off” his July 4, 2005, Pug Bus entry, “Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column,” and reprinted it without permission or attribution the following day. Worse Read More

SUNNYVALE, Calif. – Tom Cruise’ appearance at Yahoo’s Sunnyvale campus this week was calculated to achieve two effects. First, Mr. Cruise wanted desperately to call attention away from the season opener of South Park Wednesday night, an episode in which Chef, formerly voiced by Scientologist Isaac Hayes, is brain-washed into becoming a pedophile after he joins a Read More

CERNOBBIO, Italy – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not show up in this tiny northern Italian village to get married over the weekend; but if they had, they would not have made an impression on Arnaldo Bonpensiero, senior desk clerk at the Hotel Miralago. “You call them movie stars? I call them peasants,” said Read More