Celebrities

LOS ANGELES – Scientologist-actor Tom Cruise announced yesterday that Vianetics, the newly formed Scientology vitamin research and development company, will begin marketing Vitamin TK “in the near future.” Vitamin TK, which is believed to be short for TomKat, has been proven in clinical trials to reverse the course of bird flu “in a nanosecond,” said Mr. Read More

NEW YORK – Tom Cruise, whom no one has ever accused of being self-deprecating, threw a tantrum when he learned that Comedy Central was planning to re-broadcast the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park on Wednesday March 15. According to Daily Variety, Mr. Cruise demanded the episode be pulled or else he would refuse to Read More

COOTER, Mo. – Sharon Stone is expected to visit the tiny southern Missouri hamlet of Cooter early next week to announce that she is joining the cast of Naked News. Not satisfied with appearing naked in the soon-to-be-released Basic Instinct 2, Ms. Stone sent an audition tape to Naked News last month. “We were intrigued by the tape, which Read More

NEW JERSEY – Mob boss Tony Soprano was the victim of a Dick Cheney-style hit on the season opener of The Sopranos last night. Mr. Soprano was shot once in the abdomen by his Uncle Junior, who mistook him for an intruder when he (Uncle Junior) came downstairs in his house and saw Mr. Soprano standing in Read More

MAUI – Britney Spears is quickly learning to appreciate the culture and customs of Hawaii, as the accompanying image shows. In that image Ms. Spears, wearing an autographed organic hat from Bono’s Edun collection, is cheerfully participating in the ancient Hawaiian wedding custom Wahuli Loma. According to Hawaiian tradition, newlyweds can secure the blessings of Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Richie, a celebrity not particularly known for her social conscience,or her interest in food, has asked California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to become involved in the movement to stop the passage of legislation that would delete many warnings from food labels. What has Ms. Richie’s bib in a tucker is a bill passed Read More

NEW YORK – Brad Pitt, who believes that the best way for men on the verge of divorce to maintain their privacy is by moving to a different hotel every week, has announced that the self-help book for men he is writing has fallen behind schedule. Tentatively entitled Break It Like Brad, the book will be Read More

LOS ANGELES – Film star Jessica Alba demanded that Playboy magazine pull its March issue and insert nude photos of her or else face a lawsuit. The actress, who appears on Playboy‘s cover but not inside the magazine, said on Thursday that Playboy‘s editors had misled her “legions of fans” into thinking they would see her naked inside. “My Read More

MALIBU – Once again Nicole Richie has managed to go out to lunch without actually being photographed eating. The ninety-one-pound starlet lunched with friends for forty-five minutes at an outdoor cafe earlier this week, but not one of the dozens of paparazzi who circled the block in a convoy of SUVs came away with a Read More

Charlotte Church, Great Britain’s answer to Courtney Love, is twenty years old today; and lucky her, she is getting the best birthday present any girl her age could hope for: her mum, Maria Church, 40, is being let off the tether for the day by the warden at the rehab clinic where she is being Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Britney Spears’ obsession with the late Princess Diana, which has worried the singer’s friends for some time, became public knowledge last week when Ms. Spears told People magazine, “The paparazzi killed Princess Di, and they’re fixin’ to kill me next.” According to a close friend, Ms. Spears’ obsession with Princess Diana began last summer when Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise has filed a $10-million lawsuit against Life & Style magazine for reporting that he and fiancée, Katie Holmes, called off their engagement sometime before Valentine’s Day. Branding the article willfully false and inaccurate, Mr. Cruise declared, “This will be the most expensive trash that rag has ever printed.” The Life & Style article reported that Read More

BRENTWOOD, Calif. – Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee Reese Witherspoon is expected to be interviewed by Los Angeles police sometime this week. The police want to question Ms. Witherspoon regarding the discovery of a festering body believed to be that of paparazzo Todd Wallace. Mr. Wallace was charged with five misdemeanor counts and one Read More

LAS VEGAS – Oddsmakers have installed Oscar nominee and Golden Globe winner Reese Witherspoon as a 9-to-5 favorite to capture the 2006 Postcards from the Pug Bus Most Annoying Celebrity Golden Sphincter award. The gratingly perky Witherspoon and her Mount Rushmore chin leaped to the head of the queue as a result of her acceptance Read More