Celebrities

BEVERLY HILLS – Brad Pitt made a run-of-the-mill, buss-and-bolt appearance at the annual Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon Wednesday. Pitt’s reason for attending—to accept a $250,000 check on behalf of the Film Foundation Inc., which restores old movies—was hardly the stuff of mild interest, let alone major news. The media conspired, nevertheless, to treat the Read More

LOS ANGELES – People are beginning to wonder why Colin Farrell is so desperate to prevent his former girlfriend Nicole Narain from releasing the X-rated home video the couple made two years ago. In an industry where there is no such animal as bad publicity—and where sex tapes have actually given a leg up to Read More

LONDON – Jude Law, fresh off his wrenchingly public Sunday apology to ex-fiancee Sienna Miller, has issued a second mea culpa to her for seducing Daisy Wright, the nanny of one of his children. This time around Law, 32, has also apologized to Ms. Miller’s mother, his ex-wife Sadie Frost, and his three kids. Law Read More

LAS VEGAS – Oddsmakers have set the over-under figure for the Sandra Bullock-Jesse James marriage at fourteen months, and the early money has been trending toward the under. The squeaky clean, sensible, major star Bullock, who turns forty-one soon, married the heavily tattooed reality television dude James, 36, in front of more than three hundred Read More

LONDON – A distraught and groveling Jude Law apologized publicly to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller, after she had read a newspaper article claiming that Law “was having it away” with his children’s nanny. According to London’s tabloid conscience, The Sun, Law, 32, e-mailed an apology to “every major newspaper in Britain and to the secretaries Read More

LOS ANGELES – Cameron Diaz told a fascinated jury yesterday that she is as proud of her breasts “as any mother would be of her children.” Diaz, who is known around Hollywood for not being the sharpest note on the scale, testified that she considers her breasts “my two closest friends” and often seeks their Read More

LOS ANGELES – Cameron Diaz is scheduled to testify in court today that John Rutter, the photographer who snapped S&M photos and video footage of Diaz and various naked men when she was nineteen, forged her signature on the release forms for those images then tried to extort $3.5 million from her and her breasts. Read More

LOS ANGELES – Three days after Jennifer Aniston had collapsed on the set of The Breakup in Chicago, a bloated and barely recognizable Brad Pitt was admitted to an undisclosed Los Angeles area hospital with symptoms identical to those troubling his estranged wife: nausea, double vision, gas, and headaches. As news of Pitt’s arrival in hospital Monday Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was cited for “gross negligence and insensitivity” by the International Fraternity of Fashion Monitors (IFFM) as he was leaving Grauman’s Chinese Theater Sunday night following the premier of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Even though members of Grauman’s security staff, who had been alerted to the IFFM’s presence, grabbed Depp and Read More

LONDON – Angelina Jolie’s decision to adopt an Ethiopian baby has sparked rumors that her current leading man, Brad Pitt, is sterile. “Mr. Smith Shooting Blanks” laughed a headline in today’s Sun, London’s tabloid conscience. “This Stud’s a Dud,” jeered the rival Mirror. Both journals reported that Pitt and Jolie had tried unsuccessfully “for months” to have Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed yesterday that he is “much older” than the forty three years he has spent in his present body. Indeed, said Cruise during a half-hour conference call with selected reporters from his fan clubs’ newsletters, he is “old beyond reckoning.” What’s more, his current life is “probably one of the Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – “Being Bobby Brown Houston,” which premiers tonight on the Bravo channel, is a bold, unsparing attempt to deconstruct the myth of celebrity; and judging from the back-to-back episodes, sandwiched proudly like a pair of silicon-augmented breasts between 10:00 and 11:00 this evening, the effort is a resounding, cup-runneth-over success. Indeed, if Read More

LOS ANGELES – American Idol judge Paula Abdul has agreed to co-host the Live 8 broadcast from Philadelphia this weekend. Although Abdul had originally declined to participate in Live 8 because of “a pre-existing vacation commitment,” the former dancer decided to get involved when she learned that nail salons in Africa are not governed by Read More

CARDIFF – Charlotte Church, Wales’ answer to Courtney Love, earned $27 million as a child prodigy singing operatic and classical tunes. Since getting her hands on that money when she turned eighteen last year, Church has spent roughly half of it on booze. The Voice of an Angel singer has been a fixture at clubs—a Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced today that Tom Cruise Syndrome—illustrated by a photo of Cruise dancing on Oprah Winfrey’s couch—will be added to the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD). This 943-page stroll through the back alleys, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs of the mind describes the various Read More