Celebrities

PARIS – Rumors about Oprah Winfrey’s shoplifting habits resurfaced after the talk show host and her posse had been turned away from a Hermes shop in Paris last week. Winfrey and company arrived at the Hermes store roughly fifteen minutes after its 6:30 p.m. closing. When Winfrey asked if she could nip in for a Read More

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush has added his voice to the growing chorus demanding an investigation into the whereabouts of actress Katie Holmes. Like an increasing number of Americans, President Bush has come to doubt that the actress—or actresses—who have been joined at the hip with Tom Cruise at movie premiers around the world Read More

LOS ANGELES – Leonardo DiCaprio was smacked upside the head by a bottle-wielding animal rights activist while leaving a party in the pre-dawn Hollywood hours yesterday. As DiCaprio, who was wearing a leopardskin codpiece at the time, was walking toward his car, a woman raced up behind him yelling, “Death to animal abusers.” When the Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – A satirical “news” report about Britney Spears’ plan to move to Namibia that appeared on this website yesterday has been corroborated by China Daily, proving once again that fiction is sometimes no stranger than truth. According to the satirical report, which turned out to be true after all, Ms. Spears revealed her Read More

LOS ANGELES – Scientologist Tom Cruise has been playing the mad-brained bear of late. He scared the hell out of Oprah last month by going all spastic on her show—leaping onto her couch and using it for a trampoline, jumping to the floor, dropping to one knee, and copping an exaggerated muscle-boy pose, then hopping Read More

L. RON HUBBARD’S HOUSE – Scientologist Tom Cruise issued a press release today denouncing an article in the journal Biology Letters for reporting that a woman’s ability to achieve an orgasm is more heavily influenced by her genetic makeup than by any other factor. Calling the article “pseudoscientific rubbish,” Cruise declared that virginity is the primary determinant Read More

Stay tuned all you rubberneckers and doctoral candidates in celebrity meltdowns. The vanilla sky’s apparently the limit as Cruise ricochets across American promoting his summer release, War of the Worlds, which opens in theaters on June 29. While Cruise’s rapidly diminishing number of friends and fans were still asking “What’s gotten into that boy?” after seeing Read More

ASPEN, Colo. – Johnny Depp will read selected passages from Hunter S. Thompson’s 352-page suicide note at an invitation-only memorial service for the late author. In addition, Depp will fund the erection of a 150-foot tower from which Thompson’s ashes will be scattered at the August 20 celebration to be held on Thompson’s Woody Creek Read More

NEW YORK – Brad Pitt, who suggests that the best way for men on the verge of divorce to maintain their privacy is by moving to a different hotel every few days, was in New York briefly over the weekend to announce that he is writing a self-help book for men. Tentatively entitled “Break It Read More

NEW YORK – “American Beauty” star Mena Suvari has filed for a legal separation from “Mighty Aphrodite” star and Oscar-winning actress Mira Sorvino, hoping to end what Suvari describes as “six years of confusion, uncertainty, and identity crisis” brought on by the annoying similarity between their names. In what promises to be a long and Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Russell Crowe’s co-stars in the boxing movie “Cinderella Man” say the stench emitted by the actor was a major distraction during filming. Crowe, who plays heavyweight boxer Jim Braddock, went days without showering in order to recreate the essence of the man he was portraying. “Russell smelled like the inside of Read More

OTTAWA – The infamous Britney Spears pregnancy test, on which she received a disappointing 6.7 for execution and a mere 7.5 for degree of difficulty, may be a fraud, says Canadian Surgeon General Gordon McCullough. Speaking last night on Canada’s popular news program The Mountie Hour, McCullough told the show’s host, Gordon McClainne, that dipsticks floating Read More

NEW YORK – The adventures of Britney Spears have inspired a new board game called Britopoly. Created by Parker Brothers, Britopoly is designed for four players, but as many as eight can play if the additional players slept in a bed with at least two of their siblings until the age of fourteen. Britopoly comes Read More

LOS ANGELES – Buoyed by the warp-speed acceleration of her provocative “baby, let me soap up your Bentley” commercial for Carl’s Jr burgers, pop icon Paris Hilton is expected to announce at a press conference today that she will open a chain of membership-only car washes throughout North America. Hilton’s latest (ad)venture was inspired by Read More