Celebrities

MALIBU – Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1. Unfortunately, the star of Chaotic may have hired an illegal alien. According to documents obtained by THEM Weekly, the Frap caddy hired Read More

LOS ANGELES – After attending several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), Britney Spears has decided to join the group, a former assistant revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Spears has met with the group three or four times “in a couple of clubs near Read More

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears is pregnant again, and the troubled singer is terrified she might lose custody of her vagina as a result. A source close to Ms. Spears, who turns twenty-six today, told THEM Weekly, “Britney’s freaking out because this pregnancy is the last thing her vagina needs.” After subjecting her vagina to successive Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don’t-ask-don’t-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will spend the day counting his blessings with “a special friend or two.” Meanwhile, Mr. Aiken’s rabid fans, his Claymates, will celebrate this Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Now that High School Musical 3 is scheduled to begin filming next Valentine’s Day, Vanessa Hudgens, 18, has decided to put paid once and for all to the continuous rumors about the dozens of sex videos she is alleged to have made since her sixteenth birthday. The rumors began with the appearance of Open Me First two Read More

LONDON – Pop swinger Boy George was charged with foolish imprisonment, careless whispers, and reckless misapplication of foodstuffs today. The legal action was brought as a result of a complaint lodged against Mr. George by a midget from The Long and Short of It, a male escort service popular with London hipsters and members of Read More

MALIBU – Britney Spears is writing a self-help book in order to prevent “childrens everywhere” from making the same mistakes she’s made since her ill-advised, fifty-five-hour Las Vegas “marriage” nearly four years ago. “I wisht somebody had of told me when I was a kid not to drive around without a license and not to Read More

NORTH BERGEN, N.J. – George Clooney’s health records contain some personally embarrassing information, said a hospital health worker who was suspended after taking a secret peek at Mr. Clooney’s private annals. “Persistent hemorrhoids, acute situational incontinence, chronic erectile dysfunction, projectile flatulence, pubic boils—there’s more to George Clooney than meets the eye or ear,” said Cheryl Read More

OUTBACK, Utah – Recently clean actress Lindsay Lohan has narrowed her college choices to Harvard and Rochville universities, a spokesperson for the I Know Who Killed Me star said yesterday. “Despite what nearly everybody thinks, Lindsay is an incredibly bright girl when she’s sober; and now that she is sober, she wants to have the college experience she gave Read More

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ obsession with Princess Diana has Ms. Spears’ few remaining friends concerned. They fear the frazzled pop star may be planning to harm herself in some dramatic way in order to mimic the princess’ death. “We didn’t think nothing much about it when Britney ditched her Carol Channing wig for a Princess Read More

LOS ANGELES – A copy of the written driving test Britney Spears passed in order to obtain a temporary license has been leaked to THEM Weekly magazine. The magazine was unable to learn Ms. Spears’ actual score on the test, but a representative for the troubled singer said she had passed the test by telling the examiner Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears has been stripped of her citizenship, the White House revealed this morning. President Bush took this rare, but not unprecedented, step when he signed an executive order relieving Ms. Spears of her citizenship at 8:59 last evening, just before he retired for the night. “Presidents are reluctant to invoke this Read More

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston’s new body is telling friends that it’s confident Ms. Aniston can compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for serious movie roles and magazine covers. “There’s more to Jennifer Aniston than a nice rack and a tight, little ass,” said Ms. Aniston’s new body, dressed in a revealing top and Read More

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of “every mother’s right” to go naked around her children. The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity group that counts many Britney Read More

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears’ sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being—or an impediment to their continued growth and social development. Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears, 1, said their mother is Read More