Celebrities

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan and her culturally challenged publicity whore of a mother are gearing up to celebrate the younger Lohan’s coming of age, a rite of passage to be observed with all the pomp and circumstance befitting an event of its stature on July 2 through 6 at Caesars Palace’s Pure nightclub in Read More

LOS ANGELES – A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton “a danger to herself and to other inmates” at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence for violating the conditions of Read More

MONTVALE, N.J. – Mercedes-Benz USA is recalling its Lindsay Lohan SL65 model. The most powerful production SL model offered by Mercedes, the SL65 features a 604-horsepower, twin-turbocharged V-12 engine and more overall modifications than Joan Rivers. The recall was not unexpected in view of the Lohan SL65’s collision with a curb and several trees in Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Sri Paris Hilton said yesterday that “God will punish” the mother of the little boy who turfed a sand mandala on the floor of the Union Station in Kansas City, Missouri. Ms. Hilton, who has begun calling herself Sri Paris as a consequence of her “recent spiritual experiences,” talked with paparazzi outside the Read More

WARMINSTER, Penna. – After being sent down by American Idol voters last night, Antonella Barba announced through her publicist that she would enter the Bucks County Hospital in Warminster, Pennsylvania, this weekend to begin treatment for an unspecified condition. Bloggers across the United States responded to this announcement wth a collective chubby, tripping all over their keyboards Read More

LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. The twenty-six year-old socialite fired her publicist, her astrologer, and her chef yesterday in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, “I’m going to start paying Read More

LOS ANGELES – A desperate Paris Hilton has faxed a personal request to President George W. Bush, asking him to set aside her jail sentence “for the sake of all the poor, less fortunate people in our country.” The twenty-six-year-old celebrity was ordered by a Los Angeles judge on Friday to do forty-five days hard Read More

LONDON – Hugh Grant was arrested and questioned by police yesterday after he had allegedly littered the road near his West London house with the contents of a tub of baked beans he had hurled at a photographer. The vicious attack, one of the worst cases of littering in recent Chelsea history, is said to Read More

MALIBU – Britney Spears is broke. Months of non-stop drinking and shopping, coupled with binge eating, purging, and serious brown Persian heroin and cocaine abuse have depleted her resources; and now the former pop star, 25, has finally gone belly up, insiders say. “Britney just don’t work no more,” said Ms. Spears’ cousin Allie. “I Read More

LOS ANGELES – Tom Cruise dismissed the global warming report issued by the United Nations as “a load of pseudo-scientific hooey” that offers “temporary bromides” instead of real solutions to the world’s temperature increases. Addressing a group of reporters at his son’s baseball game yesterday afternoon, Mr. Cruise demanded to know how many actually had Read More

NASSAU, The Bahamas – The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge declared yesterday. Beginning with next Tuesday’s show, viewers will choose among lawyer Howard K. Stern, 38, photographer Larry Birkhead, 34, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, 64, Read More

NASSAU, Bahamas – Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, spoke her first word yesterday, and the news was not good for Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, or Frederic Prince von Anhalt—all of whom claim to be her father. The word Dannielynn spoke was dada, and the person to whom she spoke it was Gareth Huffmann, a pool Read More

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, like her favorite president, George W. Bush, is determined to stay the course. Although Britney Spears has moved on from flashing her bunny to attending church with a posse of armed thugs—and Paris Hilton is more worried about jail time than face time these days—Ms. Lohan is determined to rid Read More

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona – Angelina Jolie is a long way from breaking Mia Farrow’s parenting record—four biological and ten or eleven adopted kids—but the Tomb Raider star takes a back seat to nobody when it comes to adopting highways. While the media focused on Ms. Jolie’s three adoptions and one natural birth during the last five years, she Read More