Celebrities

PRINCETON, N.J. – Angelina Jolie’s mad-brained adoption behavior has inspired the Educational Testing Service (ETS) in Princeton, New Jersey, to add several new questions to the mathematics portion of its venerable Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). An official at ETS said the Jolie questions were part of an attempt to overhaul

NEW ORLEANS – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have failed in their latest attempt to add to their rainbow family. The actor-activist couple learned yesterday that a New Orleans animal shelter had denied their request to adopt a three-month-old Labrador retriever puppy. The shelter’s refusal came as a shock to

LONDON – A bitter Paul McCartney has finally taken the rag out of his mouth, ending a self-imposed gag order regarding his estranged wife, Heather Mills. During the weekend, the former cute Beatle spoke with Flora duMal of The Daily Mirror at Abbey Road studios, where he is recording “She Used to

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New York. Father LeBar, a veteran of more than forty exorcisms, observed Ms. Spears yesterday at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre. He was shaken by what he saw.

MALIBU – Britney Spears wants to return to the practice of Kabbalah. During an intense week in rehab at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that her life began to unravel last spring after she had announced on her website that she was quits with Kabbalah. “I

WASHINGTON – The much-delayed funeral of Anna Nicole Smith will be televised live on C-SPAN2 tomorrow. Scheduled programs, beginning with “Press Freedoms in the Former Soviet Republic” at 7:00 a.m., will be preempted in order to provide day-long coverage of what promises to be the most talked about funeral in

MALIBU – Britney Spears completed another successful one-day stint in rehab yesterday. After spending a restful night in the Christian Slater suite at Promises-by-the-Sea, chatting with friends on her cell phone and ordering in pizza, the one-time pop star summoned a car service at 8:00 a.m. and headed for the

MALIBU – Britney Spears is hell bent on becoming the Caucasian answer to Mike Tyson. Just as Iron Mike took a sledge hammer to his boxing career, reducing himself from puncher to punch line, Ms. Spears seems intent on shitting the bed at every turn. Most recently the mercurial Ms.

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was spotted by a grieving fan at a local convenience store early this morning. Ms. Smith, who died on February 8 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, was seen approaching the ATM at the Winn-Dixie store in the Emerald Woods

NORTH POLE – An emergency Council of Supreme Beings session determined yesterday that the soul of recently departed celebrity Anna Nicole Smith had failed to qualify for an eternal reward. According to a source present at the meeting, the soul of Ms. Smith, who died last week of a lethal

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was found “unresponsive” by her private nurse in a Florida hotel room on Thursday. The thirty-nine-year-old celebrity was taken to a hospital where she later died. O.J. Simpson does not believe she died of natural or pharmaceutical causes. Mr. Simpson, one of this country’s

MALIBU – Ryan O’Neal allegedly threatened his son, Griffin, 42, following a dispute concerning the ads for Mac computers that portray PC users as hopeless dorks. The elder O’Neal, 65, was subsequently arrested on suspicion of assault and a firearm offense after a long-running family argument over the merits of

BEVERLY HILLS – Tomorrow morning at six o’clock Katie Holmes will emerge from her bunker in Tom Cruise’ mansion in Beverly Hills. Wearing only a full-length body stocking and unaccompanied for the moment by Posh Spice Beckham, she will stand facing east, arms held loosely at her sides, and hold

MIAMI – Poor Jessica Simpson. Language just doesn’t seem to be her strong suit. The Employee of the Month star was dancing in the wings at a John Mayer concert this week, singing along happily while her newest beau entertained cheering fans. Trouble was, she got many of the lyrics wrong. “It

LOS ANGELES – Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston has settled a multimillion-dollar lawsuit filed against her by Mrs. Coffee, wife of the popular coffee-making icon Mr. Coffee. The suit, filed early last year in Los Angeles, named Ms. Aniston as “the principal contributing factor” in the Coffees’ bitter divorce. Both parties are