Celebrities

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Brad Pitt, whose gritty performance carried the tiresome, over long Babel to seven Oscar nominations, including best direction by a Mexican who once worked as a disk jockey, is furious. Mr. Pitt is the one bright spot in Alejandro Jose Gonzalez Jiminez Inarritu’s bombastic “message” flick, yet nearly everyone associated with that self-absorbed Read More

LOS ANGELES – Paula Abdul, who is behaving queerly again during televised interviews, suffers from a rare disease that frequently makes her look and act as if she were on the last day of a three-day bender. According to the American Idol judge’s private internist, Sydney Lumberra, M.D., Ms. Abdul is afflicted with paradoxical complex, simple regional-and-local Read More

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s few remaining friends in show business are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor (left). They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston two years ago, now looks every minute of Read More

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, whose grammar-challenged BlackBerry messages had all of Hollywood wondering if English was her first language, checked herself into a remedial writing-and-spelling program at an undisclosed location yesterday. The actress issued the following statement through her representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik: “I have made a Proactiv decision to seek adequite help. I Read More

LOS ANGELES – Jessica Simpson read the news today, oh boy, and now the singer-actress wants to adopt a pillow angel. Ms. Simpson had been interested in adopting a child formerly, but after scoring poorly on a questionnaire sent to her by an adoption agency in Tijuana, Mexico, she became dispirited. Recently, however, Ms. Simpson has been Read More

LOS ANGELES – Angelina Jolie is offended by a painting that depicts her as the Virgin Mary hovering in a cloud over a Wal-Mart checkout line. The painting, called “Twelve Items or Less,” was executed by Kate Kretz, an obscure North Carolina artist best known until now for her painting of Richard Petty hovering in Read More

LOS ANGELES – Actress Lindsay Lohan said she owes “a debit of gratitude” to the organ donor whose appendix “saved my life.” The twenty-year-old singer-actress was admitted to Century Park Hospital on Thursday after medical tests performed the previous day had indicated she was suffering from appendicitis. “I decided to have my appendix replaced before Read More

HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford denied in a conference call with AARP The Magazine yesterday that the long-awaited Indiana Jones IV is going to be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom. He did confirm, however, after years of rumors that raised more hopes than a Cialis commercial, that he is finally going to reprise his role as Read More

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears suffers from a rare form of narcolepsy. Dick Clark still talks funny. These are the top stories of the new year. What goes around keeps going around, but who’s keeping score? Gossip blogs and celebrity news sources went into a feeding frenzy recently over reports that Britney Spears, 25, had Read More

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Britney Spears is the Postcards from the Pus Bus 2006 Person of the Year. Ms. Spears captured the title hands down, and occasionally face down, and why not? Hers is easily the most recognizable face and name in the world. Not the most recognizable celebrity face and name, but the most Read More

COSTA RICA – Crusading artistes Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt swooped into Costa Rica on Christmas day to visit the People’s Tattoo Clinic, which the do-gooding couple is quietly helping to finance. The swellegant Ms. Jolie, easily the UN’s hottest goodwill ambassador (no offense to Nicole Kidman intended), caused quite the stir at the Christmas Read More

MALIBU – An agitated Britney Spears told reporters she had not “dramatized” her dogs by having sex in front of them, and she “did-dint” deserve to be voted World’s Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006. What’s more, she vowed, “when that doggone thing arrives, I’m sending it back.” The embattled one-time singer, who banished her Read More

LOS ANGELES – Ben Affleck has vowed to give up acting for the sake of his one-year-old daughter, Violet. The star of Hollywoodland made the decision despite having been nominated for his first Golden Globe award, because “she’s going to have my last name and I don’t want her to mutter it over a drink. I want Read More

ATLANTA, Ga. – Television talk show lawyer Nancy Grace has filed a $300-million lawsuit against cartoon figure Tweety Bird. Citing extreme mental anguish, “worse even than when my old boyfriend got whacked,” Ms. Grace vowed “to wipe that bird off the face of the earth so that people will finally stop saying I look like Read More

LOS ANGELES – The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight NR99 and the ultra-light weight NR85, follows close on the heels of Ms. Richie’s DUI arrest earlier this week. “We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for Read More